Month: October 2023

The analogy of a fart

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What on earth does this have anything to do with Yoga?!

My youngest daughter and I sometimes have the simplest funniest yet most philosophical conversations. We were walking home from the gym when she told me about an episode where someone farted at school and all she could think of was to ease the awkwardness by pretending she didn’t hear anything. I mean, who hasn’t experienced that before? You laugh too hard, you sneeze, you push a piece of furniture and the wind you have been trying to keep in your belly sees its possibility to finally get out. We then discussed how we don’t really mind other people having this kind of “accident” because we understand, but how embarrassing it is when it happens to us! When we fart, we spend at least some minutes hoping nobody heard, and if they did hear and make a fuss about it, we then feel like changing our name and moving countries. Why is this? Why are we able to show understanding to someone else in this way, but feel like our farts are unforgivable?

It’s a weird social norm, isn’t it? We all have the same issue. We eat food that creates gas in our belly and it needs to somehow get out? Still, it is so embarrassing.

The last few weeks, I went back to studying the Bhagavad Gita with my teacher Prasad, and one of the lectures this week was about verses five and six in chapter six:

One should raise the self by the self (mind) and not allow the self to sink, for the mind
alone is the friend of the self, and the mind alone is the enemy. The mind is the friend of
those whose mind has been conquered. But for them whose mind is not conquered, the mind, like an enemy, remains hostile.

The definition of yoga my teacher is operating with during this course is “the state of detachment from our attachment to suffering.” (Gita, ch. 6 v. 20). In order to do so, we need to understand certain things, one of the most important being that our mind is limited. Through introspection, we can recognize this and thus set ourselves to the task of resolving these limitations so our mind is quieter and calmer. Why do we want to calm the mind? Ideally, to be able to see beyond our body, mind, and senses and reach to a deeper part of ourselves that in Yoga is called the Self with a capital “s”. Whether you are a Yoga practitioner or not, I would argue, that most of us want to live our lives at peace. We all want happiness, and for me, an important aspect of this happiness is having a calm mind.

Going back to the quote above, to befriend the mind we need to 1) have the courage to see ourselves in the mirror with our qualities and our shortcomings, and more importantly 2) we need to accept them, embrace them, and if possible, use them in order to move towards a calmer state of mind.

By now, I am guessing you are seeing the connection with our farts. Just as we all fart, we all have our mental limitations that lead us to act in unskilful ways. More often than not, I am willing to accept this fact from other people than myself. When someone pushes my buttons, after the initial reaction, I look into the context, and this person’s patterns, and I manage to find some compassion in myself.

Our state of mind is as it is because of a series of factors that have been less than more out of our control, its patterns have been set for years. Therefore, we do better to accept that it is as it is and find a way to help ourselves through these limitations instead of judging or shaming ourselves.

I am learning to do this through my studies in Yoga but also through therapy. I have had a hard time accepting that I am a person who experiences strong emotions, and for years, I have been trying to “calm down” these emotions, especially those I consider as negative emotions by “talking to myself”. Unfortunately, this has only led to me driving myself crazy! On one side, I am experiencing the emotion, on the other I am trying to talk myself into what I consider is more sensible, at the same time the side of myself that is experiencing the emotion is convinced she’s right. It can last for days this incessant mental back and forth. I feel angry, frustrated, or sad, and then my mind makes a big mess out of it, and I end up feeling exhausted, guilty and ashamed of myself. I don’t think this is being very friendly towards myself.

Lately, I am aiming to recognize what is at the core of the emotion (this is also inspired by Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg). Does what happened go against one of my core values, does it not fulfill a need I have? Do I need to find a constructive way to express this emotion, request something, or contribute in a way to improve the situation? Or do I need to find a way to reassure my mind and let go of the situation? In any case, what I need to stop doing is judging myself for experiencing a strong emotion because I then get lost in it.

I realize that I am a very spontaneous person when I feel grounded and safe, this makes me feel happy. Most of the time, I allow myself to be spontaneous, except when I am afraid of being judged. When I feel insecure or afraid, I can act impulsively, which often brings a lot of regret.

In either situation, I need to remind myself that, yeah, we all fart, and those that are able to see me beyond my spontaneity and sometimes unskillful impulsivity are the people that I need around me, and those who have a problem with it, can communicate it with me, I can reflect on it, apologize if needed, change something if it doesn’t go against what I believe in, and let go of people who cannot accept me as I am.

I have been too afraid of stepping on other people’s toes, on other people’s perception of myself, on not fitting in groups, places, and jobs. I have been very good at being flexible (often against what I felt was right) and adapting to situations, but this has often made me put myself and what I think is important in the background. I now know this hasn’t contributed to my peace of mind, on the contrary, it has made my inner noise louder.

It is, as my Yoga teacher keeps repeating, one of the core principles of Karma Yoga, be clear about who you are, with your strengths and shortcomings, be clear of what your values are, and act with awareness of these. Sometimes, you will manage and will be okay with your actions no matter what, sometimes, the results of your actions will not be as expected, and all you can do is get up, brush the dust, say sorry, and try again next time. Punishing yourself mentally every time you make a mistake, you fall or you step on someone else’s toes is not being a good friend of yourself.

The expert’s advice was “don’t follow any advice”

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It’s the Fall break here in Norway, and as usual, when we don’t have any special plans, I am using the free time to do some crafts. This morning. while sewing, I was listening to a program on the Norwegian radio where they were discussing parenting which I have been reflecting on a lot lately.

One of the things the interviewed experts in the radio program said this morning is that we need to acknowledge that there is no such thing as “perfect parenting”. We are human, and we sometimes make mistakes, we make poor choices, and all we can do is reflect, accept, and adjust the way we parent. There is no “right” or “wrong” way of parenting, and what works with one child might not work with another. This interview inspired me to write down my reflections, and here are some points that I have recognized during the years I have been parenting my children:

  1. The importance of setting boundaries. This is a well-known research-based fact. Children, especially teenagers, thrive when they know we are steady adults. Being perceived as a strict parent can be beneficial for our children provided that we talk with them, that we explain why we have the rules that we have which most of the time is for their own safety and well-being. We can listen to their arguments, maybe even sometimes adapt, but not take every single boundary we put as negotiating material. It is not fun to reinforce the rules we set in our homes, it can actually be quite uncomfortable, but unpleasant conversations often lead to growth which brings me to point two.
  2. We need to learn to deal with unpleasant situations and the feelings they bring, this way we can create the space for our children to feel frustrated, angry, and sad and help them put words to their feelings instead of complying with all their wishes and demands to avoid the pain certain feelings bring to them and ourselves. We need to remember that our children will be with us only for a short period of their lives, after which they will have to deal with life mostly on their own. Thus, emotional intelligence is a crucial tool for them to have. This leads me to point three.
  3. Think long-term when parenting. Which values do you want your children to have at the core of their actions? Which skills do you think are important for them to have as they become more independent? What will help them navigate through life once they are out on their own? What can they learn in our care that will allow them to stand on their own feet? I think we tend to forget that our children will not live forever in the safety of our homes and that we are social beings. Are we teaching our kids to contribute to their environment (natural and human)?
  4. This one hit me recently when my three children reached teenage: each of our children is an individual. They have their own personality, their own way of perceiving the world, their own path to walk (or run), and all we can do is try to create a conscious framework for them to grow up in, but at the end of the day, they will make their choices, they will create their own mental world, and there isn’t much we can do about it other than being reflective about our relationship with them so we can look back and feel that we have done what we could with what we have. Unfortunately, I hear, and I recognize myself in this, that a lot of parents express their fear of making mistakes in their parenting. Fear is not a good advisor. Fear makes us uncertain, it can veil our own intuition and make us follow ways that we wouldn’t follow if we listened to our inner voice.
  5. One thing is certain, in parenting as in anything else we do in life, we will make mistakes, and all we can do is acknowledge them, maybe even talk about it, and move forward.

In parenting as in life in general, we do better to have a conscious approach, be aware of the why of our attitudes and actions, and avoid doing things on autopilot. Maybe the most important thing we can do as parents is to slow down, spend time with our kids, and spend time on our own so we can listen to our inner voice instead of getting all confused by all sorts of opinions and advice.

Fall again

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In a moment of inspiration
When the grip of my limited mind is loose
I ride my bike under the Fall sun
Life feels simple
And I pray
Please, help me remember
Today is sunny
Tomorrow might be rainy
The Winter darkness is approaching
and whether I'm here or not
the Spring light will come back
And so life goes
Up and down
Round and around
Today I'm happy
tomorrow I might be sad
Can I be with what is?
without judgment, without rush
Nothing remains
Can precicelly this be beauty of it all?