It’s the Fall break here in Norway, and as usual, when we don’t have any special plans, I am using the free time to do some crafts. This morning. while sewing, I was listening to a program on the Norwegian radio where they were discussing parenting which I have been reflecting on a lot lately.

One of the things the interviewed experts in the radio program said this morning is that we need to acknowledge that there is no such thing as “perfect parenting”. We are human, and we sometimes make mistakes, we make poor choices, and all we can do is reflect, accept, and adjust the way we parent. There is no “right” or “wrong” way of parenting, and what works with one child might not work with another. This interview inspired me to write down my reflections, and here are some points that I have recognized during the years I have been parenting my children:

1. The importance of setting boundaries. This is a well-known research-based fact. Children, especially teenagers, thrive when they know we are steady adults. Being perceived as a strict parent can be beneficial for our children provided that we talk with them, that we explain why we have the rules that we have which most of the time is for their own safety and well-being. We can listen to their arguments, maybe even sometimes adapt, but not take every single boundary we put as negotiating material. It is not fun to reinforce the rules we set in our homes, it can actually be quite uncomfortable, but unpleasant conversations often lead to growth which brings me to point two.
2. We need to learn to deal with unpleasant situations and the feelings they bring, this way we can create the space for our children to feel frustrated, angry, and sad and help them put words to their feelings instead of complying with all their wishes and demands to avoid the pain certain feelings bring to them and ourselves. We need to remember that our children will be with us only for a short period of their lives, after which they will have to deal with life mostly on their own. Thus, emotional intelligence is a crucial tool for them to have. This leads me to point three.
3. Think long-term when parenting. Which values do you want your children to have at the core of their actions? Which skills do you think are important for them to have as they become more independent? What will help them navigate through life once they are out on their own? What can they learn in our care that will allow them to stand on their own feet? I think we tend to forget that our children will not live forever in the safety of our homes and that we are social beings. Are we teaching our kids to contribute to their environment (natural and human)?
4. This one hit me recently when my three children reached teenage: each of our children is an individual. They have their own personality, their own way of perceiving the world, their own path to walk (or run), and all we can do is try to create a conscious framework for them to grow up in, but at the end of the day, they will make their choices, they will create their own mental world, and there isn’t much we can do about it other than being reflective about our relationship with them so we can look back and feel that we have done what we could with what we have. Unfortunately, I hear, and I recognize myself in this, that a lot of parents express their fear of making mistakes in their parenting. Fear is not a good advisor. Fear makes us uncertain, it can veil our own intuition and make us follow ways that we wouldn’t follow if we listened to our inner voice.
5. One thing is certain, in parenting as in anything else we do in life, we will make mistakes, and all we can do is acknowledge them, maybe even talk about it, and move forward.

In parenting as in life in general, we do better to have a conscious approach, be aware of the why of our attitudes and actions, and avoid doing things on autopilot. Maybe the most important thing we can do as parents is to slow down, spend time with our kids, and spend time on our own so we can listen to our inner voice instead of getting all confused by all sorts of opinions and advice.