Some of us dislike conflict so much that we avoid it at all costs. Some of us seem to seek conflict and are in constant arguments with each other. For a long time, I thought I was not afraid of speaking up. I think this idea came from work where I often took on the role of “spokesperson” for my colleagues. But during the last year or so, I started observing myself and realized that I avoid difficult conversations. I might say what I think sometimes, but if my opinion is met with strong opposition, or if I notice that the other part gets distressed I often end up backing off and even regretting expressing myself.

With a lot of reflection, I have come to realize that I do this for two reasons: 1) I am afraid of being perceived as conflictive and difficult. In my personal life, my fear is also of being disliked to the point of losing the relationship with that person. 2) I am afraid of saying something that I will regret in the heat of the moment. I know I can sometimes say things that I regret afterwards.

Last Spring, I read Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, and this book changed my perspective on this. I think that sometimes, we do need to go through the discomfort of having an argument to either come to a common agreement or a crossroad where we have to decide whether we want to let go of that which we thought was so important, or move on because it is very important for us. The key is to have it very clear for ourselves what it is that we need from the other person and be ready to get the conversation beyond the conflict, beyond the discomfort. It requires a lot of patience and practice, and it also requires that the other part is willing to get through, but I think that even if the other part doesn’t know about NVC, one can try to lead them through the process.

The longer I live, the more I see how complex human interactions are, especially with our close ones. It is because we all live inside our heads, and through our perspectives. We can’t, of course, agree on everything, but we need to have very clear for ourselves what it is that we can be flexible about, and what is nonnegotiable. 

What I often observe in arguments is that, in the best-case scenario, we start a difficult conversation with a clear intention to communicate something, but as emotions start getting involved in the conversation, we lose focus of the intention of the conversation, and start throwing accusations and/or defending ourselves. In the worst-case scenario, we don’t have a clear intention of where we want the conversation to lead and the emotional mess gets even bigger.

What NVC suggests is that before we engage in a difficult conversation, we should try to identify what it is that we feel, and then what we need from the other person. It is important to avoid judging actions or words but rather express how we feel. A judgment would be something like ” you are so aggressive” or “I feel attacked”. You really need to dig into the feeling and rather use that as a point of departure. Maybe the feeling is “insecure”, or even “afraid”.

It is well-known that emotions are messengers, and they often stem from a need. We have to identify the need and communicate it as clearly as possible. This is where the most difficult part starts because the other part will receive our words, interpret them, and respond. Unfortunately, more often than not, the response can be led by emotion, and the other person might become defensive or even offensive. The key here is to try to recognize the emotion the other person is experiencing. It is a good idea to ask questions. If the other person responds by insulting or accusing, instead of engaging in a fight, we can say “I see that what I said caused a reaction in you. Do you feel angry/sad/frustrated?” Try to recognize together what that emotion is and where it comes from. What is the need? And the back and forward will start.

What I often have experienced in my personal and professional life is that I dare to start a conversation, but when the reaction is strong, I feel overwhelmed or even get a bad conscience and leave the conversation. I am too afraid to start a fight. However, lately, I feel that sometimes fights are necessary. A fight is some sort of chaos, and we know that often we need chaos to get change. Why are we so afraid of getting frustrated or even angry or sad? Aren’t these very common emotions? Why do we often strive towards showing the opposite? Why is it so difficult to deal with other people’s frustration or anger? Why don’t we give each other room for it, and then get beyond that first instinctive reaction and find out what it is that we need from each other? Imagine what a great place relationships would be if we only gave ourselves and others the time and space to feel, recognize, and express our needs.