I started this blog some years ago because my Yoga teacher suggested it. He also helped me with the name for the blog. I remember thinking that it sounded a bit “big” maybe even pretentious, but I understood that by studying and living Yoga, I can be considered as a Truth seeker. As you might already know, one of the end goals of Yoga is to lead us to Truth with capital T. A Truth that is beyond our mind and the material world. A Truth, that to be honest, is difficult for me to grasp precisely because I haven’t found it.
My first blog post was about “love” and thus I launched this page on February 14. I assume that my teacher suggested this topic since what brought me to Yoga was partly my struggles with what we like to call romantic love. I had been married for over ten years, and I was feeling lonely and disappointed by the relationship I had with my husband. As always, it wasn’t all bad, we had a good collaboration around our kids, but I feel that I lacked something.
It’s been ten years since that crisis in our marriage, and ten years since I embarked in the study of Yoga through the guidance of my teacher. Ten years sounds like a lot, but I feel that I’ve made baby steps, if any steps at all. All I can say is that I have gained a slightly clearer understanding of what processes I need to go through in my mind to find my own clarity. There might be an absolute Truth out there, but at the level I operate, I can only create my own “small” truths about how I believe it is most skillful to live my life. It might be helpful to see what other people do and ask why they do as they do, but I cannot expect to find answers to my questions in other people’s minds and experiences. I might find ideas, inspiration that lead to more questions, but I cannot find many answers. All we I do is to focus on what we feel, translate it to what I need, and figure out what my priorities are based on my values and a clear vision of what I want my life to be like.
It is much more difficult than I first thought to create this clarity. I have come to realize that it is easier to point my finger outwards than sit with myself and figure out what I want and how I contribute to my life. It is difficult to have the courage to dream, to see myself in a situation that I wish to have. I have read and heard so many times about many of us going around feeling that we are not enough and that therefore we do not deserve much, but I never thought this was me. It turns out, that it might be me. I might not be courageous enough to dream because either I don’t feel worthy or because I am afraid of being disappointed. I recently read Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown, and she talks a lot about vulnerability and shame. I might struggle to see myself as vulnerable and feel ashamed of my own needs and wants. This is not only in my relationship with my husband but in my relationship to my life in general.
At this point, if you’re still reading, you might start believing that I am writing this feeling despair, but on the contrary, I feel energized and motivated! It has taken me ten years (or better said 47) to understand or to assimilate that I cannot keep on looking outwards to find my truth, and that my truth is mine and might look as a big mistake for you, and that is fine! This truth will most probably not be the same in ten years, and that is fine too! All that is required from me is to live a life of awareness and that I keep reflecting on what I do and how I do it. That I strive towards honesty towards myself and those who want to be part of my life. That I show up, when things go smoothly and also when things don’t. That I am willing to be held accountable and thus reflect. That I stay open yet firm.
Going back to the topic of “love” and my marriage. I don’t know what love is, but lately, I am very inclined to accept that many of my struggles (if not all) start in my mind and end in my inability to deal with them from a space of complete openness. I have contributed to my frustration by not having the courage to show myself vulnerable, by approaching situations with a lack of clarity and/or under the influence of strong and blinding emotions.
Lately, I think a lot about something a cousin wrote recently on Instagram about “grace”. To begin with, it left me puzzled, what is “grace”? She describes a situation where she observes “grace” in her everyday life, and she asks “how do you find grace? Where do you look for it? What does it do to you?” I am not sure if this is correct, but I find grace in my husband. I find grace in his ability to accept me as I am, even when I have made enormous mistakes that have had a big impact in our lives. I find grace in whatever force there is in life that keeps carrying me and giving me new chances to do better even when I show the worst sides of me.
I haven’t found any Truth, and at this pace, I most probably won’t find it this lifetime, but I am grateful for the distance walked so far and the inspiring moments of what I like to call “assimilation”. I want to go back to study Yoga, as I have left it aside for some time now. I will go back to to what I have already learned and see if I can understand it better or differently now. How can it be applied in a more practical way to my life?
I haven’t been writing much in this blog lately because I haven’t felt I had much to share other than the same. At this point, I am considering stopping this blog altogether. Again, not as a dramatic thing I have to do, but I feel that there isn’t much I can contribute with right now other than striving towards living my life with clarity and awareness. And I need to continue creating this clarity.
Thank you for those of you who read me. A friend once told me that I process things by verbalizing them. I think she’s right. Either by talking or writing. Good luck with your own process!
Yoga of Mukti 