Category: English

Self-help = egocentrism?

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This weekend, I can’t remember in which context, my husband said something that I’ve been hearing quite often in the last few years, namely that all this “self-help B.S.” that has become so popular is turning us into individualists, egocentric and selfish. I must say I totally disagree. I think that one of the reasons why we see people behaving more selfishly is precisely because they have little contact with their inner selves.

I think self-help is often confused with indulging in sensory pleasures, and/or indulging in the spiral of our thoughts to escape the discomfort that arises from being part of this life. There is, however, a deeper, more challenging self-help which is to have the courage to look ourselves directly in the mirror. To recognize and accept our vulnerability, our weaknesses, and our patterns that do not help us and thus do not help others. Deeper self-help requires a lot of work and a lot of trial and error, it requires honesty and courage, and it requires compassion. Maybe more importantly, it requires good guidance rooted in a solid tradition or at least solid knowledge, maybe even research, and that we stick to it for a while.

I believe that if we all were able to see ourselves with this kind of honesty, and still give ourselves the love and compassion that we need, we would then be able to see the same in others and thus show the same love and compassion. It is when we go around in the world covering our [unconscious] discomfort with thoughts, ideas, material things, and uncontrolled sensory experiences that we forget our humanity and thus forget others’ humanity.

This said, when we do the work of getting to know ourselves better, we also learn to listen to ourselves better. We learn to recognize our boundaries, to recognize our needs, and thus might be perceived as more demanding and “difficult” than we were before. This is not being selfish or egocentric, this is being assertive, but it might be hard to digest for some of those around us who have gotten accustomed to the old patterns of our behavior.

I must confess at this point, that it is sometimes rather confusing to try to live up to the idea of non-attachment and a the same time be “kind” to myself by listening to my inner voice when it sometimes feels that it might upset others. But this is the world we live in, isn’t it? A world of opposites. A world of contradictions, and as long as we live with awareness and act with clear intentions rooted in the values we have chosen to be our guides in life, I think we are doing more good than not. Self-help for me is also that. Making clear choices of what is going to guide our lives.

So, don’t stop the self-help work you are doing, and if you have been wondering, don’t get discouraged by the selfishness narrative. Honest, consistent, disciplined, and well-guided self-help can only lead you to a better place, and that in turn will have a good influence on those around you in the long term. I sincerely believe in this.

Karma Yoga and the noise in my head

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I have written here before that the main reason why Yoga appealed to me was that instead of finding the answers to our mental struggles “out there” we are encouraged to look inside ourselves. This felt empowering and reassuring, however, little did I suspect that it would be a very hard journey. More often than not, just when I feel that I “get” something that I believe will help me modify those aspects of myself that limit me, I soon discover that my understanding is limited and needs refinement.

Since the Summer, with the changes I have been going through in my life, going back to studying the Gita and finding a great therapist, I have managed to come a little bit closer to some sort of clarity about my purpose for “working with myself” through the study and practice of Yoga. Why did I embark on this journey? What is my main priority? I have come to the conclusion that at this point in life, it is peace of mind. I am tired of the incessant “noise” my mind can make at most times.

This noise is mostly (if not always) linked to what I do and don’t do, and that is why, restudying some of the main aspects of Karma Yoga is helping me now better understand certain things that I want to share here.

Karma Yoga is the path of Yoga that is allegedly most suitable for most of us who live in the practical world because it is the path of action. Recently, during an online course I am taking about the Gita with my teacher, Prasad Ragnekar, he defined Karma Yoga like this:

“Karma Yoga [then] is a path of mental refinement for those like us who are deeply involved in
day to day, mundane living, who would like to sincerely lighten the load of our limitations”

According to the Gita, inaction is impossible for us regular human beings. Even when we are apparently inactive, our minds are all over the place. Either reviewing what we have done, regretting what we didn’t do, planning what we are going to do next, or even worse, worrying about the outcome of our next action. So, since we are bound to be active, why not be active with the “right attitude.”

I have written before about how, by putting all our attention on the intention behind our actions and letting go of the need to control the outcome, we can reduce the noise stress, and worry in our minds. It has been useful in my daily life, to a certain degree. If I say something with good intentions and it is perceived negatively, I can be at peace with myself. If I do something out of anger or frustration and the outcome is negative, I have to be honest with myself and take responsibility for it.

But there are two more concepts that suddenly made “click” in my mind a couple of weeks ago. The concepts of svabhava and svadharma.

Svadharma can be defined as one’s own unique duty/responsibility, while Svabhava is one’s own intrinsic nature, natural inclination, or aptitude based on psychological disposition (Prasad, 2023). Ideally, our svadharma should be aligned with our svabhava. This is relevant in everything we do, and it is natural to think of some of the aspects of everyday life that take a lot of our time, like for example, work. If I am a rather extrovert person who feels happier surrounded by people, I most probably wouldn’t thrive working in a place where I sit on my own most of the time isolated from others. Now, if the goal is to cultivate peace of mind, to reduce the “mental noise”, it is very important to always keep these two concepts in mind, especially when choosing a profession.

My therapist recently asked me when is it that my (over) thinking activity is reduced, and I could immediately answer when I teach Yoga asana. I always feel relaxed and centered after teaching a Yoga asana class. I think it is because I need to be fully present. I need to be aware of the energy in the room, the way my students are responding to the sequence I am offering, consider modifying some of it, and last but not least, how I lead the class, which includes which words I am using. I enjoy also the feeling of doing something that can benefit others. Not only by teaching a class, but also by maybe inspiring them to know their bodies better, respect their bodies, and take care of themselves. Interestingly enough, this doesn’t bring any anxiety.

Unfortunately, working in a school doesn’t bring this peace of mind… yet, but I am exploring ways to reach it. I am working on focusing more on what I do and how I do it than the system around me, having some values and principles that are nonnegotiable for me and sticking to them, and opening up for the possibility of being part of a discussion about them, of having to change the environment if necessary. I am also trying to make it a habit to use NVC (non-violent communication), especially in challenging situations so I can communicate my needs and understand the needs of others. In other words, to reduce self-doubt. I have been so afraid of being perceived as irrational or difficult, but I mean, there will always be someone who will disagree with me and who will think I’m “irrational”, so why do I invest so much energy in this idea? And what does it even mean?

At my new job, I teach different subjects than at my previous job. I have taught Spanish as a foreign language before, but that was a long time ago, and I have taught sewing as an elective, but never to more than ten students at a time. Now, suddenly, I’m an Arts and Crafts teacher, teaching up to 22 students at the same time. However, Spanish is my mother tongue, and although I am fluent in French, I am now noticing how “easy” it is to be spontaneous in Spanish and make the subject more “mine” since I am Mexican and can share my culture with my students. It is a bit of the svadharma and svabhava alignment.

But the “magic” happened today as I was teaching one of my classes in yr8 Arts and Crafts. We are upcycling an old men’s shirt into an apron, and we are sewing by hand. It is not a surprise that some students with poor executive skills have been struggling to get started, and it has been challenging to help them at the same time as I help those who are capable of getting started. Last week, I made myself a plan for this week’s lesson. I came into the classroom, and in small groups or in pairs, I got all the students who were falling behind started, at the same time as I helped the others when they needed further explanations. It really felt like I was in a flow. Things happened, as they always do, but I stayed calm and focused and communicated with all my students in a constructive way. An hour and a half passed, and almost everyone was now on track. I think I’ve found it! The svadharma and svabhava alignment as a school teacher. I like to “make” things, I enjoy being active, and I like also being in contact with my students in a relaxed setting. I use the challenges they meet while working on a project to help them reflect on what is important to develop in life: resilience, patience, discipline, problem problem-solving mindset, and maybe even more importantly, a growth mindset. Still, they are chatting, some of them are laughing, they can take breaks, and they go back to their work, and I don’t feel stressed.

I feel definitely less stressed now than when I was teaching more theoretical subjects, and when I was a contact teacher. I did enjoy both, but if my goal is to reduce the noise in my head, and I have the opportunity to choose, I think I know what I need to continue doing, at least for a while, and keep exploring these concepts. Also in the other areas of my life. I want to pay attention to what I do that doesn’t harmonize with my nature and see if I can stop doing it, or do it in another way, bring more of myself into it. Would that reduce even more noise in my head?

So, this post is an invitation to reflect on your own state of mind as you go about in your everyday life. What reduces the noise? Where do you feel that you flow? Can you combine your skills and your nature with what you do and how you do it? I really recommend you try!

The analogy of a fart

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What on earth does this have anything to do with Yoga?!

My youngest daughter and I sometimes have the simplest funniest yet most philosophical conversations. We were walking home from the gym when she told me about an episode where someone farted at school and all she could think of was to ease the awkwardness by pretending she didn’t hear anything. I mean, who hasn’t experienced that before? You laugh too hard, you sneeze, you push a piece of furniture and the wind you have been trying to keep in your belly sees its possibility to finally get out. We then discussed how we don’t really mind other people having this kind of “accident” because we understand, but how embarrassing it is when it happens to us! When we fart, we spend at least some minutes hoping nobody heard, and if they did hear and make a fuss about it, we then feel like changing our name and moving countries. Why is this? Why are we able to show understanding to someone else in this way, but feel like our farts are unforgivable?

It’s a weird social norm, isn’t it? We all have the same issue. We eat food that creates gas in our belly and it needs to somehow get out? Still, it is so embarrassing.

The last few weeks, I went back to studying the Bhagavad Gita with my teacher Prasad, and one of the lectures this week was about verses five and six in chapter six:

One should raise the self by the self (mind) and not allow the self to sink, for the mind
alone is the friend of the self, and the mind alone is the enemy. The mind is the friend of
those whose mind has been conquered. But for them whose mind is not conquered, the mind, like an enemy, remains hostile.

The definition of yoga my teacher is operating with during this course is “the state of detachment from our attachment to suffering.” (Gita, ch. 6 v. 20). In order to do so, we need to understand certain things, one of the most important being that our mind is limited. Through introspection, we can recognize this and thus set ourselves to the task of resolving these limitations so our mind is quieter and calmer. Why do we want to calm the mind? Ideally, to be able to see beyond our body, mind, and senses and reach to a deeper part of ourselves that in Yoga is called the Self with a capital “s”. Whether you are a Yoga practitioner or not, I would argue, that most of us want to live our lives at peace. We all want happiness, and for me, an important aspect of this happiness is having a calm mind.

Going back to the quote above, to befriend the mind we need to 1) have the courage to see ourselves in the mirror with our qualities and our shortcomings, and more importantly 2) we need to accept them, embrace them, and if possible, use them in order to move towards a calmer state of mind.

By now, I am guessing you are seeing the connection with our farts. Just as we all fart, we all have our mental limitations that lead us to act in unskilful ways. More often than not, I am willing to accept this fact from other people than myself. When someone pushes my buttons, after the initial reaction, I look into the context, and this person’s patterns, and I manage to find some compassion in myself.

Our state of mind is as it is because of a series of factors that have been less than more out of our control, its patterns have been set for years. Therefore, we do better to accept that it is as it is and find a way to help ourselves through these limitations instead of judging or shaming ourselves.

I am learning to do this through my studies in Yoga but also through therapy. I have had a hard time accepting that I am a person who experiences strong emotions, and for years, I have been trying to “calm down” these emotions, especially those I consider as negative emotions by “talking to myself”. Unfortunately, this has only led to me driving myself crazy! On one side, I am experiencing the emotion, on the other I am trying to talk myself into what I consider is more sensible, at the same time the side of myself that is experiencing the emotion is convinced she’s right. It can last for days this incessant mental back and forth. I feel angry, frustrated, or sad, and then my mind makes a big mess out of it, and I end up feeling exhausted, guilty and ashamed of myself. I don’t think this is being very friendly towards myself.

Lately, I am aiming to recognize what is at the core of the emotion (this is also inspired by Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg). Does what happened go against one of my core values, does it not fulfill a need I have? Do I need to find a constructive way to express this emotion, request something, or contribute in a way to improve the situation? Or do I need to find a way to reassure my mind and let go of the situation? In any case, what I need to stop doing is judging myself for experiencing a strong emotion because I then get lost in it.

I realize that I am a very spontaneous person when I feel grounded and safe, this makes me feel happy. Most of the time, I allow myself to be spontaneous, except when I am afraid of being judged. When I feel insecure or afraid, I can act impulsively, which often brings a lot of regret.

In either situation, I need to remind myself that, yeah, we all fart, and those that are able to see me beyond my spontaneity and sometimes unskillful impulsivity are the people that I need around me, and those who have a problem with it, can communicate it with me, I can reflect on it, apologize if needed, change something if it doesn’t go against what I believe in, and let go of people who cannot accept me as I am.

I have been too afraid of stepping on other people’s toes, on other people’s perception of myself, on not fitting in groups, places, and jobs. I have been very good at being flexible (often against what I felt was right) and adapting to situations, but this has often made me put myself and what I think is important in the background. I now know this hasn’t contributed to my peace of mind, on the contrary, it has made my inner noise louder.

It is, as my Yoga teacher keeps repeating, one of the core principles of Karma Yoga, be clear about who you are, with your strengths and shortcomings, be clear of what your values are, and act with awareness of these. Sometimes, you will manage and will be okay with your actions no matter what, sometimes, the results of your actions will not be as expected, and all you can do is get up, brush the dust, say sorry, and try again next time. Punishing yourself mentally every time you make a mistake, you fall or you step on someone else’s toes is not being a good friend of yourself.

The expert’s advice was “don’t follow any advice”

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It’s the Fall break here in Norway, and as usual, when we don’t have any special plans, I am using the free time to do some crafts. This morning. while sewing, I was listening to a program on the Norwegian radio where they were discussing parenting which I have been reflecting on a lot lately.

One of the things the interviewed experts in the radio program said this morning is that we need to acknowledge that there is no such thing as “perfect parenting”. We are human, and we sometimes make mistakes, we make poor choices, and all we can do is reflect, accept, and adjust the way we parent. There is no “right” or “wrong” way of parenting, and what works with one child might not work with another. This interview inspired me to write down my reflections, and here are some points that I have recognized during the years I have been parenting my children:

  1. The importance of setting boundaries. This is a well-known research-based fact. Children, especially teenagers, thrive when they know we are steady adults. Being perceived as a strict parent can be beneficial for our children provided that we talk with them, that we explain why we have the rules that we have which most of the time is for their own safety and well-being. We can listen to their arguments, maybe even sometimes adapt, but not take every single boundary we put as negotiating material. It is not fun to reinforce the rules we set in our homes, it can actually be quite uncomfortable, but unpleasant conversations often lead to growth which brings me to point two.
  2. We need to learn to deal with unpleasant situations and the feelings they bring, this way we can create the space for our children to feel frustrated, angry, and sad and help them put words to their feelings instead of complying with all their wishes and demands to avoid the pain certain feelings bring to them and ourselves. We need to remember that our children will be with us only for a short period of their lives, after which they will have to deal with life mostly on their own. Thus, emotional intelligence is a crucial tool for them to have. This leads me to point three.
  3. Think long-term when parenting. Which values do you want your children to have at the core of their actions? Which skills do you think are important for them to have as they become more independent? What will help them navigate through life once they are out on their own? What can they learn in our care that will allow them to stand on their own feet? I think we tend to forget that our children will not live forever in the safety of our homes and that we are social beings. Are we teaching our kids to contribute to their environment (natural and human)?
  4. This one hit me recently when my three children reached teenage: each of our children is an individual. They have their own personality, their own way of perceiving the world, their own path to walk (or run), and all we can do is try to create a conscious framework for them to grow up in, but at the end of the day, they will make their choices, they will create their own mental world, and there isn’t much we can do about it other than being reflective about our relationship with them so we can look back and feel that we have done what we could with what we have. Unfortunately, I hear, and I recognize myself in this, that a lot of parents express their fear of making mistakes in their parenting. Fear is not a good advisor. Fear makes us uncertain, it can veil our own intuition and make us follow ways that we wouldn’t follow if we listened to our inner voice.
  5. One thing is certain, in parenting as in anything else we do in life, we will make mistakes, and all we can do is acknowledge them, maybe even talk about it, and move forward.

In parenting as in life in general, we do better to have a conscious approach, be aware of the why of our attitudes and actions, and avoid doing things on autopilot. Maybe the most important thing we can do as parents is to slow down, spend time with our kids, and spend time on our own so we can listen to our inner voice instead of getting all confused by all sorts of opinions and advice.

Shades of green

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Three weeks in my new job, and I have already concluded that the grass is not greener on the other side, it is just of another shade. The most important is to reflect on what attitude I bring to that environment.

Any work environment is a system, and no human-created system is perfect. Some systems are directly rotten, and luckily for me, I did not end up in such an environment. Most systems are well-functioning in spite of their flaws and lacks. Over the years, I have identified myself as someone who always sees areas of improvement which is a rather positive way to say that I often see where problems are. I don’t do this on purpose, it is part of my mindset. Don’t ask me where it comes from. This can be an asset if I don’t get stuck in the frustration of what I see as a problem, and if I can actually do something to improve it but it can also be a curse if I get mentally fixated, but can’t do anything to change it. The same way, I have a tendency to pay more attention to my shortcomings than what I do well.

Awareness on these two thinking patterns, has led me to make an agreement with myself. On the professional plan, I made a choice of changing environment, and I am committed to do my best to thrive. Reflecting on what sometimes brought frustration and stress in my previous work, I think that a lot could have been avoided if I had chosen to put my energy elsewhere. Among other things, focus more on what I do and how I do it, be more assertive, and let go of what I have no control over.

I am trying also to change my mindset when it comes to myself. I honestly believe that one of the things that makes life worth living is to be a life long learner, to develop the skills we have and acquire new ones, but also develop spiritually. Fot this, I need to find a better balance between observing my limiting actions and attitudes with the purpose to let go of them, and observing my qualities and skills to build myself up from them. If I only focus my attention on what I see as flaws and shortcomings, I feel I just put more pressure on myself.

Furthermore, I believe that if I manage to change this mindset, I will also be able to see more what is positive around me instead of what needs to be “fixed”.

Changes are a very good oportunity to reflect on what we want to bring to the new environment that helps us further, and what we need to let go of that hasn’t helped us so far. So, the grass might be healthier on the other side, but if we bring along what dammaged the grass where we were at, we will soon be looking over the fence wondering if there is an even greener grass somewhere else.

This said, I acknowledge that sometimes, it takes several jumps to finally find the place where we feel we can better contribute and thrive. Luckily for me, I think I have landed in a fertile environment where there is room for learning and staff is very supportive. Now it is up to me what I do with this opportunity, to find my place and an area where I can contribute.