Tag: abhyasa

The analogy of a fart

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What on earth does this have anything to do with Yoga?!

My youngest daughter and I sometimes have the simplest funniest yet most philosophical conversations. We were walking home from the gym when she told me about an episode where someone farted at school and all she could think of was to ease the awkwardness by pretending she didn’t hear anything. I mean, who hasn’t experienced that before? You laugh too hard, you sneeze, you push a piece of furniture and the wind you have been trying to keep in your belly sees its possibility to finally get out. We then discussed how we don’t really mind other people having this kind of “accident” because we understand, but how embarrassing it is when it happens to us! When we fart, we spend at least some minutes hoping nobody heard, and if they did hear and make a fuss about it, we then feel like changing our name and moving countries. Why is this? Why are we able to show understanding to someone else in this way, but feel like our farts are unforgivable?

It’s a weird social norm, isn’t it? We all have the same issue. We eat food that creates gas in our belly and it needs to somehow get out? Still, it is so embarrassing.

The last few weeks, I went back to studying the Bhagavad Gita with my teacher Prasad, and one of the lectures this week was about verses five and six in chapter six:

One should raise the self by the self (mind) and not allow the self to sink, for the mind
alone is the friend of the self, and the mind alone is the enemy. The mind is the friend of
those whose mind has been conquered. But for them whose mind is not conquered, the mind, like an enemy, remains hostile.

The definition of yoga my teacher is operating with during this course is “the state of detachment from our attachment to suffering.” (Gita, ch. 6 v. 20). In order to do so, we need to understand certain things, one of the most important being that our mind is limited. Through introspection, we can recognize this and thus set ourselves to the task of resolving these limitations so our mind is quieter and calmer. Why do we want to calm the mind? Ideally, to be able to see beyond our body, mind, and senses and reach to a deeper part of ourselves that in Yoga is called the Self with a capital “s”. Whether you are a Yoga practitioner or not, I would argue, that most of us want to live our lives at peace. We all want happiness, and for me, an important aspect of this happiness is having a calm mind.

Going back to the quote above, to befriend the mind we need to 1) have the courage to see ourselves in the mirror with our qualities and our shortcomings, and more importantly 2) we need to accept them, embrace them, and if possible, use them in order to move towards a calmer state of mind.

By now, I am guessing you are seeing the connection with our farts. Just as we all fart, we all have our mental limitations that lead us to act in unskilful ways. More often than not, I am willing to accept this fact from other people than myself. When someone pushes my buttons, after the initial reaction, I look into the context, and this person’s patterns, and I manage to find some compassion in myself.

Our state of mind is as it is because of a series of factors that have been less than more out of our control, its patterns have been set for years. Therefore, we do better to accept that it is as it is and find a way to help ourselves through these limitations instead of judging or shaming ourselves.

I am learning to do this through my studies in Yoga but also through therapy. I have had a hard time accepting that I am a person who experiences strong emotions, and for years, I have been trying to “calm down” these emotions, especially those I consider as negative emotions by “talking to myself”. Unfortunately, this has only led to me driving myself crazy! On one side, I am experiencing the emotion, on the other I am trying to talk myself into what I consider is more sensible, at the same time the side of myself that is experiencing the emotion is convinced she’s right. It can last for days this incessant mental back and forth. I feel angry, frustrated, or sad, and then my mind makes a big mess out of it, and I end up feeling exhausted, guilty and ashamed of myself. I don’t think this is being very friendly towards myself.

Lately, I am aiming to recognize what is at the core of the emotion (this is also inspired by Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg). Does what happened go against one of my core values, does it not fulfill a need I have? Do I need to find a constructive way to express this emotion, request something, or contribute in a way to improve the situation? Or do I need to find a way to reassure my mind and let go of the situation? In any case, what I need to stop doing is judging myself for experiencing a strong emotion because I then get lost in it.

I realize that I am a very spontaneous person when I feel grounded and safe, this makes me feel happy. Most of the time, I allow myself to be spontaneous, except when I am afraid of being judged. When I feel insecure or afraid, I can act impulsively, which often brings a lot of regret.

In either situation, I need to remind myself that, yeah, we all fart, and those that are able to see me beyond my spontaneity and sometimes unskillful impulsivity are the people that I need around me, and those who have a problem with it, can communicate it with me, I can reflect on it, apologize if needed, change something if it doesn’t go against what I believe in, and let go of people who cannot accept me as I am.

I have been too afraid of stepping on other people’s toes, on other people’s perception of myself, on not fitting in groups, places, and jobs. I have been very good at being flexible (often against what I felt was right) and adapting to situations, but this has often made me put myself and what I think is important in the background. I now know this hasn’t contributed to my peace of mind, on the contrary, it has made my inner noise louder.

It is, as my Yoga teacher keeps repeating, one of the core principles of Karma Yoga, be clear about who you are, with your strengths and shortcomings, be clear of what your values are, and act with awareness of these. Sometimes, you will manage and will be okay with your actions no matter what, sometimes, the results of your actions will not be as expected, and all you can do is get up, brush the dust, say sorry, and try again next time. Punishing yourself mentally every time you make a mistake, you fall or you step on someone else’s toes is not being a good friend of yourself.

On wishes and desires

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Most of us experience if not often, at least at some point in life wanting something that is difficult to get or even that we cannot have. I remember when we were trying to have our first child. It took us a while, and at some point, we were told we probably wouldn’t be able to without ‘help’ from specialists. I remember the feeling of desperation and helplessness. Of feeling that it wasn’t fair. Why us, why me? We talked a lot about it and decided we didn’t want to go through the process of trying with in vitro. I tried to understand why I had such a strong need to become a mother.

Thinking back, I think I was still relatively immature, but I was able to understand that I had a need to nurture someone, to give love to someone. I said this to my husband, and we decided that it didn’t matter if the baby was born from us or not. We contacted adoption agencies to start the process of adoption.

It turns out that the Universe had other plans for us, and I got pregnant some months after we received the papers with the information, and not only did we have one child but three! Almost one after the other.

I have had other periods in my life where I have felt a similar lack like the one when we were struggling to conceive. I have wanted to have something that I don’t have. Maybe the need to become a mum wasn’t the first need I felt in my life that was difficult to fulfill, and it certainly wasn’t the only one.

Yoga came to my life in one of these periods of lack. It has taken me years to understand where it comes from, accept it and direct my attention to what I have and can create. Yoga has given me the tools to go a bit deeper, to turn my gaze inwards. Of course, on the surface, there is always something out there that I might desire but looking closer and reflecting I realise that the lack was all a product of my perspective. Maybe the feeling of lack of validation comes from a deeper need to see my worth that is independent of what I do or don’t do. My lack of connection with someone might be a lack of connection with myself which then makes it difficult to connect with others. My lack of love might be my inability to see that I have love inside me. And so on.

The challenge when we seek to fulfill our needs with a very specific wish is that 1) we risk not seeing what we do have 2) we don’t realize that what we seek, is deeper than the material thing, and thus we can give to ourself and others.

I thought to write this post partly because I have teenagers in the house. They all want things, and of course, I think that this is partly positive since that is what drives us to keep going in the world. But sometimes, they can get so obsessed with what they “lack”, that they don’t see what they do have. I know, this is a typical phase in life, and there is maybe a scientific explanation to it, the problem is when we become adults, some of us might never realize what I describe above. We might spend a lot of energy and time chasing that single thing that we think will make everything be better.

Right before I sat down to write this, I saw a short video from a Yoga teacher I follow on Instagram (@yaeleshy1), and I was surprised to see that she was talking exactly about the same thing I’ve been reflecting on these days. She put it beautifully: when you feel you lack something, sit with that desire, feel it, and try to see if you can define what the deeper desire is. Is it love, is it safety, is it happiness? If yes, how can you create it for yourself and others? There is nothing wrong with wanting as long as we manage to understand where this want comes from and evaluate whether we want to spend all our lives chasing that specific form that we think this want or this need “has to” have, or if we can invest our energy and time in seeing what we have inside ourselves and thus what we are able to create around us.

Patience

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Every morning, after my sadhana, I read a page in Eileen Caddy’s book Opening Doors Within. She has a page for each day of the year with what I see as inspiring and useful reminders to align myself towards a more harmonious life. Towards the path I want follow.

Here’s July 10:

HOW VITALLY IMPORTANT is your right and positive attitude towards today and all that it holds for you! You can make or mar the day for yourself simply by the way you approach it. Your reactions to things as they take place can make all the difference. When your reactions are negative and aggressive, you immediately put up barriers and create opposition, finding fault and blaming everyone else. You are so blind you fail to see that you are the one at fault, and you go around with a chip on your shoulder. When your reactions are positive and constructive, all barriers come tumbling down and you will find you will get help and cooperation from every side. If you have made a mistake, admit it, say you are sorry and move on. Then no precious time is wasted in trying to justify yourself and prove you are right. You have many lessons to learn. Learn them quickly, and try never to make the same mistake twice.

If you have read some of my blog posts this summer you might have noticed that I have been reflecting a lot about the moments where I get carried away by frustration and/or anger.

When I read this page, I thought ‘Yes! That is what I want to strive towards!’ Who doesn’t prefer life to flow instead of creating opposition and conflict? Why is it, then, that I still see myself in certain situations shutting out? In opposition to what is happening?

My Yoga teacher, Prasad, once told me ‘Patience will be your most important asset in life’. He was so right! Lack of patience is often at the source of my unskilled way of dealing with my thoughts and emotions especially in challenging situations.

Does it ever happen to you that you wake up in a weird mood? That from the first moments in the morning you notice some sort of inner discomfort? I am learning to observe this and be with it during my sadhana and remind myself that whatever happens during the day, it is more ‘the mood’ that will throw me off balance than the outer circumstances. This requires patience towards myself, not to try to escape from ‘the mood’ and patience towards what happens during the day.

Unfortunately, I don’t always notice ‘the mood’ or in the haste of everyday life, I forget my morning’s reflection. Too much to do and the wish to things to ‘go my way’, and a feeling of self-righteousness are often the reason why I forget to open up, to listen, to slow down and be constructive. In other words, lack of patience.

What can I do? Keep practicing. Keep giving myself the time to sit in silence in the morning to notice my mood. Keep reminding myself to be mindful. Slow down. Do less at a time. Let go of my perceptions when they are not helping.

I have managed this year to be better at accepting my mistakes. Not to be too afraid to see them, and apologize. Accept that I can’t do everything according to everyone’s expectations, and move on. This has been rather liberating.

Yoga and the senses

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Most Yoga practitioners are familiar with Patanjali’s Ashtanga Yoga that, if practiced sincerely, disciplined, and with the right support, will lead us to the liberation of our conditioned mind and thus the realization of who we really are: ‘love, freedom and bliss’ (Prasad Rangnekar 2011)

One of the so-called ‘eight limbs‘ of Yoga is pratyahara or control of the senses.

“Withdrawing the senses, the mind and consciousness from contact with external objects, and then drawing them inwards towards the seer is pratyahara.” Yoga Sutras of Patanjali book II, sutra 54.

The goal is to get in touch with that part of ourselves that is beyond our body and mind and the means to achieve this goal is to calm down the mind. Therefore, an important part of our practice towards controlling the mind is the control of the senses.

In the Bhagavad Gita, we learn that we have five senses of perception or jñānendriya: the ears, nose, tongue, eyes and skin; and five organs of action or karmendriya: legs, arms, mouth (for speech), genitalia and anus. It is through the senses and the mind that we experience and take part in the world. We are however warned that what the senses bring to our mind is impermanent and we, therefore, have to learn to seek stability within ourselves.

“[…]the contact between the senses and the sense objects gives rise to fleeting perceptions of happiness and distress. These are non-permanent and come and go like winter and summer seasons […] one must learn to tolerate (endure) them without being disturbed.” Bhagavad Gitra Ch. 2 v.14

If we seek happiness in the outer world, we tend to get attached to the pleasures that the senses bring because these pleasures are short lasting. This kind of attachment is easy to see in our actions and in our mind. I can observe myself thinking about getting home, opening the cookie box and eating a cookie. I can observe myself daydreaming about the cookie. Maybe, the thought of eating that cookie is what helps me get through the day, and what is wrong with that? Nothing is wrong with enjoying a treat after a long day at work. The problem is when my welbeing depends on that treat or any other treat. Here are three main reasons I see why it can be a problem:

  1. The pleasure of eating a cookie lasts for just a short moment which can lead to either overindulging because I want to extend the moment or me seeking the next sensory stimulation to continue feeling ‘good’/’happy’.
  2. My happiness is dependent on something exterior to me but what if I get home and the cookie box is empty? I will then find myself with an unmet expectation. What will my reaction be? How will that make me feel?
  3. All the time and mental energy spent in thinking about the cookie distracts my mind and does not allow me to be present in the moment. It becomes nothing more than a distraction.

“While contemplating on the objects of the senses, one develops attachment to them. Attachment leads to desire and from desire arises anger.” Bhagavad Gita, Ch2 v.62

Pratyahara in the context of meditation is when we sit down with ourselves in our daily practice and start by “turning off” our senses to bring the attention inwards. We aim to let go of the need to register and identify sounds, let go of getting caught up in specific smells and for most of us it is easier to close our eyes to avoid getting distracted by our sight. But the senses don’t necessarily stop when we avoid using them. Thoughts continue to fly in our head, and if we haven’t been practicing non-attachment in our daily life, it is when we sit in silence that all these sensory attachments can become stronger. They way we live our daily life affects our practice and in return, our practice affects our daily life.

Throughout the years I have been studying Yoga, I have come to observe other ways I overindulge my senses that I wasn’t aware of like for example when I sometimes want to know certain things that are unnecessary for me to know. I have sometimes catched myself wondering if so and so has said this or done that just to stop and ask myself, why do I need to know this? Gossip is maybe the right word here. How would my life improve if I know more details about other people’s lives that do not have any direct effect in my own life? It’s just a way to ocupy my mind really. Or how about reading and listening to the news? I think that as a mum and a teacher, I should stay updated about what is happening in the world, but to what degree? How much is too much? How much is necessary and how much is just overinduging?

What I like about Yoga is that it is never dogmatic. We are encouraged to take part in life and enjoy it, but we are warned of getting attached to the external world because as mentionned above it only feeds into the limited idea we have of who we are and most importantly, everything in the exterior world is transcient so we doom ourselves to a life of Sisyphus.

“That person who gives up all material desires and lives free from a sense of greed, proprietorship (I and mine) and egoism, attains peace.” Bhagavad Gita ch2 v71

By controling our senses, we filter what we allow into our mind and by doing this we gradually regulate our reactios to the external world. It is all cyclic. Less sensory innput helps create more inner silence in the long run which allows us to access our inner peace, this in turn results in less seeking of sensory stimuli which leads to a quietter mind. It is not simple, it requires courage, perseverance and a lot of practie. The inner void before the inner peace can be quite scary.