awareness – Yoga of Mukti

It is interesting how, with age I gain perspective, and with this perspective, I am more willing to see unpleasant situations as opportunities to grow rather than potential mini-apocalypses.

I have never liked conflict. I have always been afraid of ending up in an argument because conflict for me has always seemed as the end of something. It has taken me a while to understand that this is my attitude towards conflict, and that it is not healthy. I think it is because I know that when in conflict, we show our worst side, and I have always been afraid of my own behaviour when angry and maybe even worse, getting hurt and disappointed.

I have also seen conflict as a sign of irreconcilable differences. If we fight now, it must be because we shouldn’t even be talking to each other in the first place.

I have had a similar attitude towards chaos. I don’t like chaos. It makes me feel out of control. I don’t necessarily feel the need to be in control all the time, but I do feel that it is expected from me- as an adult, as a mum, as a teacher, as a wife- that I am in control of all situations and especially of myself. So, if I end up being in the middle of chaos, I panic, I loose patience, and I feel low self-esteem.

However, during the last few weeks, I have been changing my mind towards these two dreaded situations, and I am starting to think that they are necessary for us to recenter ourselves, create change around us and allow growth.

The key is to not let ego get in the way which, as usual, is easier said than done. Usually, when conflict arises, it is because there is a need to stop, evaluate and consider realigning ourselves. It is also a great opportunity for us to revisit our values and priorities and act accordingly. Sometimes, this might mean that we have to let go of a certain idea we have of ourself, the other or the situation we are in for the benefit of the whole.

Sometimes, when we are in the middle of a conflict, we might feel that the opposing parties want completely different things, but if we look closer, we might realise that the needs at each extreme are the same, only manifested or expressed in different ways. This can help us open up, listen, and meet the other part half-way.

Conflict and chaos, in my opinion, are not that different. They often arise when the need of a change of direction is necessary. They arise to wake us up and give us the opportunity to see things from a different perspective, learn something new and thus grow.

It does happen, that sometimes, a conflict opens up our eyes to the fact that we need to move in a different direction than the other part, and although this is sad, it is also an opportunity to let go and allow for something new to come.

Do you ever go ‘fishing’? I sometimes do, and most of the time, I end up feeling bad about myself. Or should I say worse? It has taken me some time to observe myself fishing and to understand why I do it, and I must confess that I usually notice it after I have been fishing.

To be honest, I think I am constantly fishing, but some fish are bigger than other. In some areas, I am less insecure, so whether I catch something or not is not such a big deal. For example at work, I do my best, and I absolutely enjoy it when I get some sort of validation, but if things don’t go as I hoped for, I can quickly get on my feet again and tell myself that I did my best and I can only learn from the experience.

Writing this, I guess this is not real fishing. This is just playing my part, while fishing is when some sort of inner void manifests itself, and to fill it with something, well, I go fishing.

Maybe you are starting to get what I mean by ‘fishing’? Maybe you are starting to get annoyed by me repeating the word so many times. Can you identify yourself with it?

What I call fishing is when I approach someone with the intention of getting some sort of validation. Just like little kids do, you know? You catch a young kid drawing, and you approach her with curiosity, just to hear the kid say “I’m not good at drawing”. What is the most expected reaction? Will you answer “yeah, you suck!”? Or will you say “nonsense, you’re really good at this.”? Rather the latter, isn’t it. That is what I call fishing. It is not negative, there is not bad intention, the kid is just seeking validation. We all seek sometimes validation.

The problem is where are we seeking validation? How much of our self-value are we putting on this validation? What happens when we don’t get the validation we were expecting? Because, let’s face it, even though we get some sort of validation, often, the void is so big, that reality doesn’t match the expectation. I would actually call it the unconscious expectation because at least I am not always aware of it until later. So, when the fishing doesn’t go well, I end up catching nothing else than a confirmation of my worst limiting thoughts about myself.

So what now? To be honest, not much. The void will still manifest itself from time to time, I think. I might then go fishing, but at least now, I notice the pattern before creating a big drama in my head and outside my head because I didn’t catch that impossibly big fish I was expecting. I don’t miss the hope that one day, I will notice the void and be with it without unconsciously going fishing.

Tag: awareness

Conflict and chaos

Fishing