Tag: mindful living

Own your choices

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I recently listened to an interview of a former Norwegian politician on the radio. I didn’t listen to the whole interview, but what caught my attention was that she was talking about how “everybody” wants to appear successful, especially on social media. She went on to say that she is probably ten kilos over her “normal” weight, but that is what she sees as a “bonus” for being the mother of four kids.

What does it mean to be successful anyway? The quest of it most probably ends up being an endless story cause the minute we have something, we want more, or the next thing, and most probably, when we seek success, we never totally find it. The same is true for happiness, isn’t it? If we make it our pursuit to reach a constant state of happiness, we will end up quite disappointed. How about seeking equanimity of mind? Or contentment? Something that comes from the inside that helps us better deal with whatever comes from the outside?

However, I don’t see anything wrong in striving towards making a better life for oneself and those we care for. What that means for me, most probably does not match what that means for you, or the next person. For me, it means constantly working towards living my life with awareness. If I live my life with intention, I am calmer, more present, and better suited to be around my loved ones and those who are part of my everyday life.

I lately think a lot about how we often make bad decisions seeking some sort of good feeling that doesn’t bring long-lasting wellness. It takes more effort to plan a balanced meal than buying fast food, it might be less appealing to eat oatmeal for breakfast than a pain au chocolat, and it might seem more relaxing to watch a reality TV show than go for a walk after a long day at work. Choosing what is right for our physical and mental health is not seeking success or perfection, it is an investment some of us choose to make because we understand that it will pay off in the long run. Through time, I have noticed how I feel after indulging in junk food compared to how I feel after having a healthy meal. It doesn’t mean that I never eat sweets or fatty food, but honestly, I try not to indulge because the price I pay when it comes to how I feel afterward is too high. I prefer to feel that I’m fit for life than go around feeling awful and thus being less balanced in my body and mind.

We often forget how everything we do or don’t do has a direct effect on our health. Therefore, this woman’s comment irritated me. I feel that ranting about “perfectionism”, often becomes a way to make excuses for not taking care of ourselves. Yes, gaining weight during pregnancy is normal, but it is also quite normal to lose it after some time if we eat what our body needs and not what our desires dictate, especially if we have a normal physically active life.

At the end of the day, it all boils down to the same, clarity of mind. Make your choices and live the life you feel like living, but stop making excuses for the poor choices you make that hurt your physical and mental health. Rather own them, and be brutally honest with yourself. Inquiry into why you don’t want to make good choices for yourself, and if you are okay with the consequences, then keep doing what you’re doing. If you care about your health and the well-being of those who love you, maybe it is about time you choose better.

Everything we consume has an effect on our body and mind, food, words, and images, not to mention alcohol, drugs, and so on. We know that, why do we ignore it?

A good fight

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Some of us dislike conflict so much that we avoid it at all costs. Some of us seem to seek conflict and are in constant arguments with each other. For a long time, I thought I was not afraid of speaking up. I think this idea came from work where I often took on the role of “spokesperson” for my colleagues. But during the last year or so, I started observing myself and realized that I avoid difficult conversations. I might say what I think sometimes, but if my opinion is met with strong opposition, or if I notice that the other part gets distressed I often end up backing off and even regretting expressing myself.

With a lot of reflection, I have come to realize that I do this for two reasons: 1) I am afraid of being perceived as conflictive and difficult. In my personal life, my fear is also of being disliked to the point of losing the relationship with that person. 2) I am afraid of saying something that I will regret in the heat of the moment. I know I can sometimes say things that I regret afterwards.

Last Spring, I read Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, and this book changed my perspective on this. I think that sometimes, we do need to go through the discomfort of having an argument to either come to a common agreement or a crossroad where we have to decide whether we want to let go of that which we thought was so important, or move on because it is very important for us. The key is to have it very clear for ourselves what it is that we need from the other person and be ready to get the conversation beyond the conflict, beyond the discomfort. It requires a lot of patience and practice, and it also requires that the other part is willing to get through, but I think that even if the other part doesn’t know about NVC, one can try to lead them through the process.

The longer I live, the more I see how complex human interactions are, especially with our close ones. It is because we all live inside our heads, and through our perspectives. We can’t, of course, agree on everything, but we need to have very clear for ourselves what it is that we can be flexible about, and what is nonnegotiable. 

What I often observe in arguments is that, in the best-case scenario, we start a difficult conversation with a clear intention to communicate something, but as emotions start getting involved in the conversation, we lose focus of the intention of the conversation, and start throwing accusations and/or defending ourselves. In the worst-case scenario, we don’t have a clear intention of where we want the conversation to lead and the emotional mess gets even bigger.

What NVC suggests is that before we engage in a difficult conversation, we should try to identify what it is that we feel, and then what we need from the other person. It is important to avoid judging actions or words but rather express how we feel. A judgment would be something like ” you are so aggressive” or “I feel attacked”. You really need to dig into the feeling and rather use that as a point of departure. Maybe the feeling is “insecure”, or even “afraid”.

It is well-known that emotions are messengers, and they often stem from a need. We have to identify the need and communicate it as clearly as possible. This is where the most difficult part starts because the other part will receive our words, interpret them, and respond. Unfortunately, more often than not, the response can be led by emotion, and the other person might become defensive or even offensive. The key here is to try to recognize the emotion the other person is experiencing. It is a good idea to ask questions. If the other person responds by insulting or accusing, instead of engaging in a fight, we can say “I see that what I said caused a reaction in you. Do you feel angry/sad/frustrated?” Try to recognize together what that emotion is and where it comes from. What is the need? And the back and forward will start.

What I often have experienced in my personal and professional life is that I dare to start a conversation, but when the reaction is strong, I feel overwhelmed or even get a bad conscience and leave the conversation. I am too afraid to start a fight. However, lately, I feel that sometimes fights are necessary. A fight is some sort of chaos, and we know that often we need chaos to get change. Why are we so afraid of getting frustrated or even angry or sad? Aren’t these very common emotions? Why do we often strive towards showing the opposite? Why is it so difficult to deal with other people’s frustration or anger? Why don’t we give each other room for it, and then get beyond that first instinctive reaction and find out what it is that we need from each other? Imagine what a great place relationships would be if we only gave ourselves and others the time and space to feel, recognize, and express our needs.

Self-help = egocentrism?

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This weekend, I can’t remember in which context, my husband said something that I’ve been hearing quite often in the last few years, namely that all this “self-help B.S.” that has become so popular is turning us into individualists, egocentric and selfish. I must say I totally disagree. I think that one of the reasons why we see people behaving more selfishly is precisely because they have little contact with their inner selves.

I think self-help is often confused with indulging in sensory pleasures, and/or indulging in the spiral of our thoughts to escape the discomfort that arises from being part of this life. There is, however, a deeper, more challenging self-help which is to have the courage to look ourselves directly in the mirror. To recognize and accept our vulnerability, our weaknesses, and our patterns that do not help us and thus do not help others. Deeper self-help requires a lot of work and a lot of trial and error, it requires honesty and courage, and it requires compassion. Maybe more importantly, it requires good guidance rooted in a solid tradition or at least solid knowledge, maybe even research, and that we stick to it for a while.

I believe that if we all were able to see ourselves with this kind of honesty, and still give ourselves the love and compassion that we need, we would then be able to see the same in others and thus show the same love and compassion. It is when we go around in the world covering our [unconscious] discomfort with thoughts, ideas, material things, and uncontrolled sensory experiences that we forget our humanity and thus forget others’ humanity.

This said, when we do the work of getting to know ourselves better, we also learn to listen to ourselves better. We learn to recognize our boundaries, to recognize our needs, and thus might be perceived as more demanding and “difficult” than we were before. This is not being selfish or egocentric, this is being assertive, but it might be hard to digest for some of those around us who have gotten accustomed to the old patterns of our behavior.

I must confess at this point, that it is sometimes rather confusing to try to live up to the idea of non-attachment and a the same time be “kind” to myself by listening to my inner voice when it sometimes feels that it might upset others. But this is the world we live in, isn’t it? A world of opposites. A world of contradictions, and as long as we live with awareness and act with clear intentions rooted in the values we have chosen to be our guides in life, I think we are doing more good than not. Self-help for me is also that. Making clear choices of what is going to guide our lives.

So, don’t stop the self-help work you are doing, and if you have been wondering, don’t get discouraged by the selfishness narrative. Honest, consistent, disciplined, and well-guided self-help can only lead you to a better place, and that in turn will have a good influence on those around you in the long term. I sincerely believe in this.

Karma Yoga and the noise in my head

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I have written here before that the main reason why Yoga appealed to me was that instead of finding the answers to our mental struggles “out there” we are encouraged to look inside ourselves. This felt empowering and reassuring, however, little did I suspect that it would be a very hard journey. More often than not, just when I feel that I “get” something that I believe will help me modify those aspects of myself that limit me, I soon discover that my understanding is limited and needs refinement.

Since the Summer, with the changes I have been going through in my life, going back to studying the Gita and finding a great therapist, I have managed to come a little bit closer to some sort of clarity about my purpose for “working with myself” through the study and practice of Yoga. Why did I embark on this journey? What is my main priority? I have come to the conclusion that at this point in life, it is peace of mind. I am tired of the incessant “noise” my mind can make at most times.

This noise is mostly (if not always) linked to what I do and don’t do, and that is why, restudying some of the main aspects of Karma Yoga is helping me now better understand certain things that I want to share here.

Karma Yoga is the path of Yoga that is allegedly most suitable for most of us who live in the practical world because it is the path of action. Recently, during an online course I am taking about the Gita with my teacher, Prasad Ragnekar, he defined Karma Yoga like this:

“Karma Yoga [then] is a path of mental refinement for those like us who are deeply involved in
day to day, mundane living, who would like to sincerely lighten the load of our limitations”

According to the Gita, inaction is impossible for us regular human beings. Even when we are apparently inactive, our minds are all over the place. Either reviewing what we have done, regretting what we didn’t do, planning what we are going to do next, or even worse, worrying about the outcome of our next action. So, since we are bound to be active, why not be active with the “right attitude.”

I have written before about how, by putting all our attention on the intention behind our actions and letting go of the need to control the outcome, we can reduce the noise stress, and worry in our minds. It has been useful in my daily life, to a certain degree. If I say something with good intentions and it is perceived negatively, I can be at peace with myself. If I do something out of anger or frustration and the outcome is negative, I have to be honest with myself and take responsibility for it.

But there are two more concepts that suddenly made “click” in my mind a couple of weeks ago. The concepts of svabhava and svadharma.

Svadharma can be defined as one’s own unique duty/responsibility, while Svabhava is one’s own intrinsic nature, natural inclination, or aptitude based on psychological disposition (Prasad, 2023). Ideally, our svadharma should be aligned with our svabhava. This is relevant in everything we do, and it is natural to think of some of the aspects of everyday life that take a lot of our time, like for example, work. If I am a rather extrovert person who feels happier surrounded by people, I most probably wouldn’t thrive working in a place where I sit on my own most of the time isolated from others. Now, if the goal is to cultivate peace of mind, to reduce the “mental noise”, it is very important to always keep these two concepts in mind, especially when choosing a profession.

My therapist recently asked me when is it that my (over) thinking activity is reduced, and I could immediately answer when I teach Yoga asana. I always feel relaxed and centered after teaching a Yoga asana class. I think it is because I need to be fully present. I need to be aware of the energy in the room, the way my students are responding to the sequence I am offering, consider modifying some of it, and last but not least, how I lead the class, which includes which words I am using. I enjoy also the feeling of doing something that can benefit others. Not only by teaching a class, but also by maybe inspiring them to know their bodies better, respect their bodies, and take care of themselves. Interestingly enough, this doesn’t bring any anxiety.

Unfortunately, working in a school doesn’t bring this peace of mind… yet, but I am exploring ways to reach it. I am working on focusing more on what I do and how I do it than the system around me, having some values and principles that are nonnegotiable for me and sticking to them, and opening up for the possibility of being part of a discussion about them, of having to change the environment if necessary. I am also trying to make it a habit to use NVC (non-violent communication), especially in challenging situations so I can communicate my needs and understand the needs of others. In other words, to reduce self-doubt. I have been so afraid of being perceived as irrational or difficult, but I mean, there will always be someone who will disagree with me and who will think I’m “irrational”, so why do I invest so much energy in this idea? And what does it even mean?

At my new job, I teach different subjects than at my previous job. I have taught Spanish as a foreign language before, but that was a long time ago, and I have taught sewing as an elective, but never to more than ten students at a time. Now, suddenly, I’m an Arts and Crafts teacher, teaching up to 22 students at the same time. However, Spanish is my mother tongue, and although I am fluent in French, I am now noticing how “easy” it is to be spontaneous in Spanish and make the subject more “mine” since I am Mexican and can share my culture with my students. It is a bit of the svadharma and svabhava alignment.

But the “magic” happened today as I was teaching one of my classes in yr8 Arts and Crafts. We are upcycling an old men’s shirt into an apron, and we are sewing by hand. It is not a surprise that some students with poor executive skills have been struggling to get started, and it has been challenging to help them at the same time as I help those who are capable of getting started. Last week, I made myself a plan for this week’s lesson. I came into the classroom, and in small groups or in pairs, I got all the students who were falling behind started, at the same time as I helped the others when they needed further explanations. It really felt like I was in a flow. Things happened, as they always do, but I stayed calm and focused and communicated with all my students in a constructive way. An hour and a half passed, and almost everyone was now on track. I think I’ve found it! The svadharma and svabhava alignment as a school teacher. I like to “make” things, I enjoy being active, and I like also being in contact with my students in a relaxed setting. I use the challenges they meet while working on a project to help them reflect on what is important to develop in life: resilience, patience, discipline, problem problem-solving mindset, and maybe even more importantly, a growth mindset. Still, they are chatting, some of them are laughing, they can take breaks, and they go back to their work, and I don’t feel stressed.

I feel definitely less stressed now than when I was teaching more theoretical subjects, and when I was a contact teacher. I did enjoy both, but if my goal is to reduce the noise in my head, and I have the opportunity to choose, I think I know what I need to continue doing, at least for a while, and keep exploring these concepts. Also in the other areas of my life. I want to pay attention to what I do that doesn’t harmonize with my nature and see if I can stop doing it, or do it in another way, bring more of myself into it. Would that reduce even more noise in my head?

So, this post is an invitation to reflect on your own state of mind as you go about in your everyday life. What reduces the noise? Where do you feel that you flow? Can you combine your skills and your nature with what you do and how you do it? I really recommend you try!

The expert’s advice was “don’t follow any advice”

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It’s the Fall break here in Norway, and as usual, when we don’t have any special plans, I am using the free time to do some crafts. This morning. while sewing, I was listening to a program on the Norwegian radio where they were discussing parenting which I have been reflecting on a lot lately.

One of the things the interviewed experts in the radio program said this morning is that we need to acknowledge that there is no such thing as “perfect parenting”. We are human, and we sometimes make mistakes, we make poor choices, and all we can do is reflect, accept, and adjust the way we parent. There is no “right” or “wrong” way of parenting, and what works with one child might not work with another. This interview inspired me to write down my reflections, and here are some points that I have recognized during the years I have been parenting my children:

  1. The importance of setting boundaries. This is a well-known research-based fact. Children, especially teenagers, thrive when they know we are steady adults. Being perceived as a strict parent can be beneficial for our children provided that we talk with them, that we explain why we have the rules that we have which most of the time is for their own safety and well-being. We can listen to their arguments, maybe even sometimes adapt, but not take every single boundary we put as negotiating material. It is not fun to reinforce the rules we set in our homes, it can actually be quite uncomfortable, but unpleasant conversations often lead to growth which brings me to point two.
  2. We need to learn to deal with unpleasant situations and the feelings they bring, this way we can create the space for our children to feel frustrated, angry, and sad and help them put words to their feelings instead of complying with all their wishes and demands to avoid the pain certain feelings bring to them and ourselves. We need to remember that our children will be with us only for a short period of their lives, after which they will have to deal with life mostly on their own. Thus, emotional intelligence is a crucial tool for them to have. This leads me to point three.
  3. Think long-term when parenting. Which values do you want your children to have at the core of their actions? Which skills do you think are important for them to have as they become more independent? What will help them navigate through life once they are out on their own? What can they learn in our care that will allow them to stand on their own feet? I think we tend to forget that our children will not live forever in the safety of our homes and that we are social beings. Are we teaching our kids to contribute to their environment (natural and human)?
  4. This one hit me recently when my three children reached teenage: each of our children is an individual. They have their own personality, their own way of perceiving the world, their own path to walk (or run), and all we can do is try to create a conscious framework for them to grow up in, but at the end of the day, they will make their choices, they will create their own mental world, and there isn’t much we can do about it other than being reflective about our relationship with them so we can look back and feel that we have done what we could with what we have. Unfortunately, I hear, and I recognize myself in this, that a lot of parents express their fear of making mistakes in their parenting. Fear is not a good advisor. Fear makes us uncertain, it can veil our own intuition and make us follow ways that we wouldn’t follow if we listened to our inner voice.
  5. One thing is certain, in parenting as in anything else we do in life, we will make mistakes, and all we can do is acknowledge them, maybe even talk about it, and move forward.

In parenting as in life in general, we do better to have a conscious approach, be aware of the why of our attitudes and actions, and avoid doing things on autopilot. Maybe the most important thing we can do as parents is to slow down, spend time with our kids, and spend time on our own so we can listen to our inner voice instead of getting all confused by all sorts of opinions and advice.