Tag: mindful living

Tired

Published on by Vanessa2 Comments

Do you have days where you feel you are not ready to face ‘the world’? I sometimes have such days. I feel tired and irritable and feel that I don’t have the energy to face whatever small or bigger challenges the day might bring… I know, it sounds dramatic, and luckily, I don’t have many of those days, but I do have them. Especially after an intense period at work and/or at home.

I try to work with my mindset, and I also try to find out why I feel like that to avoid going into that space. There can be different reasons, but what was overwhelming my mind this morning was the thought of having to ‘deal’ with teenagers the whole day to come home and ‘deal’ with my own teenagers the whole evening.

Neither my students nor my own kids are especially difficult teenagers, but I often have a feeling that as a teacher and as a mum, I am constantly negotiating with them to do what they actually don’t want to do, and trying to explain why they need to do less of what they actually do want to do.

I can go on and on in my mind about why it is so tiring and why I am so worried and wonder also if I am right or if I am exaggerating. This usually makes me feel even more tired and overwhelmed, and I start dreading certain situations that lie ahead in my day: a lesson because I know how certain students are going to behave and I am going to have to deal with it, a situation at home because I will have to be stern and I don’t feel like it.

I was having one of those clairvoyance moments by the kitchen counter this morning when I realized that all I have to do is to do my job. I just have to show up, and if the usual suspects do the usual that require me intervening, I just have to pull them aside and take that conversation all over again. It doesn’t really matter how they react to it. Whether they respond well or not, it is up to them. All I need to do is to stay calm, be clear, maybe even be stern and stop reading people so much. Stop expecting this or that, and most of all, stop dreading uncomfortable situations/conversations. They are what they are, I can make them less uncomfortable by keeping my cool and talking calmly.

I recently read somewhere something like “burnout happens when we have expectations connected to our actions”. Yoga philosophy says something similar without using the word ‘burnout’. We cultivate a peaceful state of mind by doing our best and letting go of the fruits of our actions. I think I get very tired because I am constantly absorbing my students’ and my kids’ reactions to what I say and do.

So, on my way to work today, I kept repeating to myself “be clear, be firm, but don’t get angry. If I get a negative reaction from a student, let it be”. It might sound weird, but I keep telling myself that the less I focus on what other people do or don’t do and the more I focus on what I do and why I do it, the less stressed and tired I will feel. I also think that putting my attention in myself allows me to be more mindful of how I act and why.

It turned out to be a good day at work with the usual challenges, but I think my mindset helped me stay focused and less stressed. I really need to remember this every day.

At home, things are also what they need to be. I keep choosing my battles. and reminding myself to speak calmly but firmly even if it is the millionth time I ask my youngest to pick up her dirty clothes from the bathroom floor.

Can you relax without stimuli?

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The other day, I shared a short relaxation session with my colleagues where the main focus was to use the breath. I know that for many, the idea of sitting ‘just’ breathing sounds intimidating and maybe even boring, so I divided the session into three parts. One where we would connect the breath with soft movements (achievable for all kinds of bodies), another with a simple breathing exercise, and the last one with a body scan. The whole session lasted for approximately twenty minutes.

After the session, one of my colleagues told me it was very nice to ‘check in’ with herself. She said that while she was sitting there, she noticed how she was feeling and realized she hadn’t take the time to notice before. This reminded me of something I have been reflecting a lot about lately. It seems to me that most of us rarely take the time to slow down and just be, to check in with ourselves.

It is, of course, understandable that we all have different ways to cultivate our well-being, some choose to go for a run, others to watch a TV show, and although this does allow us to disconnect from everyday tasks, it is not necessarily bring long-lasting well being for our body and mind. During the years I have been practicing Yoga, I have come to the conclusion that there is a difference between sense indulging and self-care. I don’t necessarily think that indulging is wrong, it is nice to sometimes give in to a guilty pleasure, and as mentioned above, it can be part of our toolkit to disconnect from everyday life, but the thing is, I don’t think only indulging is going to bring real peace of mind because the satisfying feeling only lasts for a short period of time. In addition, we might seek activities that stimulate our mind and body like food, alcohol, and even entertainment, which feel good at the moment but do not allow for our nervous system to reset and restore.

I believe self-care requires more work, but less fuss. Self-care might bring some immediate comfort, and at times it can also bring some discomfort. In the long run, however, it brings peace of mind.

I might be biased by my enthusiasm towards the practice of Yoga meditation, but in my view, the only way we can really relax and take care of our well-being is by bringing silence to our body and mind on a regular basis. The challenge is, however, to have the patience to bear the noise our mind makes when we turn off the external noise. This is where the work starts because we need to learn to be with the noise of our mind as if it was background music. It is there, we notice it, but we choose not to do anything about it at that moment. We do not judge, we do not try to change it.

These moments of external silence but internal noise can be precious because like my colleague put it, it is then we have the opportunity to ‘check in’ with ourselves. We create the space to feel and think, we allow our mind to express itself. Sometimes, that is all we need. To give ourselves some ‘self-attention’, sometimes, we need further reflection on what is going on and what we need to do about it.

Making room for moments of silence and softness in our life not only helps us deal with our thoughts better, it also has an effect on our nervous system which in turn influences our state of mind. In addition, when we learn to quiet the mind on a regular basis, we are able to benefit from this practice in moments of intense distress.

To begin with, I recommend a combination of techniques like soft movement with breath for the busy mind. Practices like soft yoga asana, Tai Chi or even Qi Gong, going for a walk but with the awareness of being with yourself, with your breath, and trying to leave other distractions aside. Simple breathing exercises can also be very useful. Some help calm down the body and the mind, others are energizing. Yoga Nidra, is als a very good way to relax, and the fact that you need to focus on different body parts keeps your mind busy. If your mind is very very busy, I recommend writing. Sit in a quiet place for five to ten minutes and let words flow. No structure, no purpose, just write. Avoid reading what you write. Just leave it. This is a very nice way to ’empty’ the mind. Once you have practiced this for a while, you can start journaling. There are different ways to do it. I often like to sit down and write my reflections of the day, often, a specific aspect of it takes more place, and I discover quite a lot about myself and my interactions with the world. I often realize that something that seemed overwhelming when traped in my mind, wasn’t that bad when put into words in my notebook.

Whatever works for you, try to create at least one moment of quiet calmness in your everyday routine. With practice, you will notice the difference it makes in you. You might notice that the urge to indulge will reduce as you create more space for what I like to call ‘real’ self-care.

A long story to get to my reflections this week

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I have learned some good lessons this week. My youngest daughter who is 12 years old was invited to take part in a performance directed by an Australian choreographer who lives in Bergen. The piece is called Working With Children. It was the theater that took contact with the school and asked if there were any students in lower middle school who were interested to participate. My daughter and two other classmates decided to give it a try.

Beforehand, parents were contacted by email by the producer with practical information. Parents were also invited on Monday to meet the choreographer and see the place where the children were going to rehearse for five days and perform on Friday and Saturday.

I came to the meeting on Monday with my daughter. Her two classmates were there and the parents to one of them, as well as three other kids from other schools and their parents. We met the choreographer, who briefly presented herself and explained what was going to happen during the week and what the performance was about. She explained that the performance was going to be experienced differently by the children in it and by the audience. The purpose of the performance was to focus on the process and they weren’t going to show a finished, polished piece. This sounded exciting to me. Maybe it also sounded safer to the kids? There was no expectation to perform, to show dancing skills. The expectation was just to take part. To be curious and open-minded and maybe even trusting.

After the meeting, parents left, children stayed. When my daughter came home, she was excited but also slightly puzzled because the choreographer had explained a bit more about what was going to happen during the performance. Apparently, at some point, she was going to run naked on the background, but the kids weren’t going to see her. She had explained to them that this was going to last for just a few seconds. She also explained that during the performance, there was going to be a screen on the background with text. There was going to be some ‘mild swearing’ on the text at some point.

I wasn’t shocked by this. I think kids are exposed to swearing everywhere. I don’t necessarily agree with the need to swear, but I trusted that it was put in the context of the performance and it would make sence for the audience. The kids weren’t going to see the swearing words anyhow. The nakedness didn’t bother me either. She is a contemporary dancer and I chose to believe that there was a reason for this too. There is nothing wrong with showing a naked body, it is more how we choose to see it or in which context that it is shown that can be maybe difficul to digest for a 12 year old, and again, she reassured the kids that they wouldn’t going to see her.

My daughter and I talked about it, she didn’t seem to be bothered by it anymore. Tuesday evening, she came home after the practice. She had been given a lift by the mum who couldn’t make it to the meeting on Monday. Her child and my daughter told her about what they had been doing during the rehearsal, and apparently, when she found out about the ‘naked part’ and the ‘swearing part’, she was distressed. My daughter started doubting. I tried to reassure her again. It is contemporary art, you won’t see any of it. Did you have fun? – Yes, she repiled. They were doing all these ‘weird’ movements. Playing with movement, basically.

The next moring, I woke up to find a message from the mum. She had sent it to me and the parents of the third child from my daughter’s class. She and her husband (who doesn’t live here for the moment) were very worried about this performance. They were shocked by its content, and wante to pull their child out. Until here, all good. As parents, they have the right and obligation to make their own choices for their child.

The challenge is that to me, it seemed like they had made up their mind and wanted to convince us to think and do the same as them. I choose to believe that it was with good intentions. Maybe they thought that we didn’t know about the contents of the performance. However, the other parents and I did go to the meeting and got to get a feeling about the whole setting. This is a professional space. I don’t believe the theater would put the children in a space where they would feel unsafe or humiliated. I had a busy day at work, and didn’t have time to talk with the parents, but kept receiving messages of distress and distrust. At the same time, I was hearing from the school because I work there too.

Sometime in the early afternoon, all parents received an email from the producer of the play, explaining the ‘naked part’ and the ‘swearing part’, and reassuring us again that this was done with care for the children. All this time, I was thinking that I didn’t want my daughter to quit this experience. I thought it was a great experience and I was looking forward to the discussions about the dance (which was also challenging my daughter’s idea of what dance ‘should’ be) and the rest of it.

I finished work, and was ready to have a telephone conference with the other parents. I wanted to let them know that I respected their choice, but that I had decided to let my daughter continue. It seemed to me that the parents of the third child had the same opinion as me. To my big surprise, as I leave work, I get a phone call from my daughter. She had decided to quit. When I asked why, she said she was worried about the content, that her friend had been pulled out. I tried to reassure her, but she had made up her mind, and I felt I couldn’t force her.

I told her she had to call the producer (I didn’t have the choreographer’s number), and explain why she wanted to quit. The producer called me later, and explained that there was nothing to be worried about, but my daughter had decided not to join, and I felt I couldn’t convince her to change her mind. After all, I hadn’t been there during the rehearsals. I couldn’t be a hundred percent sure of my daugher’s experience of it.

The choreographer called me too. I guess she was worried. She had called the mum of my daugher’s friend, but she didn’t take the phone. She explained a bit more about the preformance. I wasn’t worried, I said, but I felt I couldn’t push my daughter more. This was supposed to be a positive experience, and I felt that if I pushed, I would get the opposite effect than what I wished for.

I felt very annoyed, to be honest. Because of many reasons. One, I try my best to teach my children that when they committ to do something, they need to stick to it til the end unless there is something of real importance that hinders them from doing so. From what I knew, my daugher was pulling out just because her friend was pulling out. I hadn’t seen any sign of distress or discomfort in my daugher after the first two days of practice.

I also try to teach my children to be open-minded, ask questions and make their own choices. I was annoyed that my daughter was quitting because her friend was quittting and based on fear from their parents who didn’t even go to the meeting with the choreographer. They never gave her or the theater the chance to explain, to reassure them.

I was also annoyed because I thought this was a great opportunity for my daughter to be part of something different, and learn about the process of being part of something outside the box.

But, I had to let go. When I got home, I talked with my daughter and explained my point of view, and tried to let go.

The third kid from my daugher’s class also pulled out. They didn’t want to be part of it without my daughter and the other classmate. This was sad. Very sad, I thought.

I was unsure on whether I should let the first couple of parents know my opinion. As I have written earlier this week, I often feel it is unecessary to try to convince others of what I believe in. Wednesday evening, however, when I was on my way to teach a yoga class, I received a message from the mum wondering how I felt about the whole situation. I guess I should have called, but I was sitting on the bus. I decided to reply that although I respected their views, I disagreed with them. I had no problem with my daughter being part of this, and that I felt sad and annoyed that she had decided to pull out. I didn’t get a reply.

Friday evening, I got a message from my colleague who is my daughter’s contact teacher. The theater had given the school two tickets to the performance. Do you want to go?, he asked. Of course!, I replied. I wanted to see what the whole fuss was about. I was so convinced that this had been a mess without any real reason, and I wanted to see the performance to have a ‘real’ opionion about it. I also had a bit of doubt, I asked myself, what if you watch it, and realize it was too much for a bunch of 12-year-olds? I just had to see for myself.

It turned out to be a beautiful experience. The choreographer ended up with only three kids for her performance, but she made the best out of it. She had managed to create a safe and trusting atmosphere between her and the kids and they all seemed comfortable on scene. As she had explaned, what we saw, wasn’t a ‘final product’ but part of a process. The text behind was spot on connected to what had happened during the week. The few swearing words were put in context and weren’t more shocking than hearing them on in a movie or sitcom on Netflix. And yes, there was a naked part. But it was beautifully done, and as she said, the kids in the show didn’t see any of it.

What I love about this kind of art is that it awakens the mind. You sit there in awe for the atist, and either relate to what is happening, or you wonder about it. And the thinking doesn’ stop there. The piece stays with you for a while (or even for the rest of your life) and makes you think and reflect.

In retrospective, I think I could have pushed my daughter to finish the week with the choreogrphper. Like the producer explained, there is something called as the artistic process. Not everything is easy in this process. There is always a moment of doubt, there are tough moments too, but artists know that they just have to get passed those moments. That is life too, isn’t it? The sooner we learn perseverance, the better.

On the other side, since this whole piece was seen as a process, I also think that my daughter’s process was the two days she was part of it and the whole mess that happenned afterwards. She is still young, and I wonder what kind of reflections will happen with time.

I am very happy we were invited to watch the performance. It made me remember how we have to have informed opinions. I was convinced there was nothing to fear about it, but my conviction was based on my gut feeling from the whole setting. The communication beforehand, the meeting with the choreographer. Although the gut feeling is something useful, in discussions about what happens around us, we need to stick to the facts and the actual experience of things because I think that sometimes, what we think is a gut feeling is nothing else than fear in disguise.

I have also decided to expose my kids more to art. Challenge their perception and opinion of what is art and what is not.

I had to laugh a bit last night too. My husband and I were watching TV with the grils, and we saw an ad for a show called Mascorama. It was very popular last year, and now there’s a new season. To me, it seems like nonesense, and I said it out loud. My husband then said ‘and your opinion is based on your excperience of the show, because you have watched it, right?’. Oops! I guess the better attitude would be that it doesn’t interest me, but I cannot say it is nonesense since I haven’t watched it…

On spirituality, Halloween, Yoga, contentment, less stress and less waste

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Human History is marked with quite a few gruesome actions done in the name of religion. I believe, however, that humanity needs spirituality. Spirituality and religion are not the same. In my view, religion is the institutionalizing of spirituality, and if we are not aware of this, we might end up putting our mind and well-being in the hands of someone else, which in turn is the opposite of spirituality.

Living a spiritual life for me means to take responsibility for my thoughts and actions, to do what I need to do to cultivate a calm and content state of mind. This is, of course, beneficial for me, but I believe that through that work, I also benefit my surroundings because I start seeing the connections. I see how my attitudes and actions affect me and the world around me. In addition, when I take my well-being into my own hands, I demand less from the world. Furthermore, when I learn to know myself better, I accept my place in the world and play my roles from a place of giving instead of receiving.

Spirituality can be anchored in different traditions, but for many people, it can be a personal practice without any adherence to any tradition. I know a few people who in my view live a spiritual life without even being aware of it, even less calling themselves spiritual. In my case, spirituality came in the form of Yoga practices. That is why I write about it, but if you find another path that works for you, stick to it.

Contentment is an important aspect of Yoga. I sincerely believe that many of the struggles we experience today would reduce or even disappear if we had a more conscious approach to contentment. Contentment is a state of mind, and it needs to be cultivated inwardly. In order to cultivate contentment, we need to slow down, to let go of the excess of actions and impulses we are used to having in our lives. We need to prioritize. We need to reflect on what can stay and what needs to go. We need to be aware of our impulses and work towards a less dependant relationship to our senses. The more dependent our happiness is on sensory input, the more we want, the more we demand from the world around us. This has a direct impact on the people we mingle with and the environment. Just think about it for a moment, if you manage to cultivate a content inner state, you will consume less, or at least more mindfully, and this will have a direct impact on the environment. If on the contrary, your happiness is dependant on material things, the more you buy, the more you own, the more you want. Happiness from material things lasts for a short period of time. It doesn’t take long after we have acquired something before we want something else.

I believe slowing down and prioritizing are crucial to cultivating contentment. It is difficult to live mindfully unless we slow down. I have Halloween as an example. Our youngest daughter loves Halloween, ever since she was in preschool. She used to say that Halloween was her favorite ‘season’. For her, there was Spring, Summer, Halloween, and Christmas. To begin with, Halloween represented another thing ‘to-do’ in a busy everyday life with three kids. It represented, to be honest, stress. However growing up in Mexico, Halloween and Dia de Muertos kind of merged when I was a child, and it was something I also used to look forward to. So, throughout the years in our home in Norway, we have developed a tradition for Halloween. A more conscious approach to it. Since it is important and fun for our girls, we take the time to prepare for it to make it a fun season and avoid stress and impulsive shopping. The girls and I start planning for their costumes before the Fall Break. They decide what they want to be. During the Fall Break, we go to the second-hand shops to find clothes and accessories to make their costumes and start the process. We then use our spare time to work on the costumes. Some years ago, we found a recipe for ‘spider cookies’ we like to bake every year. The girls usually invite a friend each to join us. To avoid too much waste, we pop popcorn to give away to the kids that come trick-or-treating, and I don’t buy Halloween decorations. We don’t have space to keep them and I don’t want to create waste just for one day. The only decoration is a pumpkin that we carve together. When our son was part of the celebrations, we used to run a competition. Each kid would draw an idea for the pumpkin and my husband would choose the winner. This year, I was made aware of the amount of water and energy that goes to cultivate all the pumpkins we buy for Halloween. So, we made baked pumpkin seeds for snacks and I used the pumpkin ‘meat’ for pancakes. Next year, our goal is to cultivate our own pumpkin! On November 1, I bake Pan de Muerto, the culminating part of our Halloween celebrations.
I think that Halloween is perfect for us living up north. It is the time of the year where we gradually stay indoors more, and we then have handcraft activities to do. It has become a project between the girls and me instead of another stressful thing I have to plan on my own, on the run. And the whole process starts all over again in mid-November to start preparing for Christmas as we now try to handmade presents for family and pick what we think would be useful presents for friends.

I don’t mean to say that this is the perfect way to do things, but I am content with how it has developed so far. I know there is room for improvement when it comes to being environmentally friendly – like the pumpkin – but nothing is ever set in stone, so we learn as we go.

Allow and give your mind a break

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Whenever I am in a course or retreat with my Yoga teacher, Prasad, he reminds us to use the time we spend at the retreat to reflect about what we are learning, but avoid trying to solve our lives during that time. I have always interpreted this as an invitation to reflection and a warning against over-thinking.

Throughout the years I have been studying with Prasad, I have gradually learned to mentally put my life on hold for some days whenever I am at one of his courses or taking a silence retreat on my own. Surprisingly enough, I manage quite well to stop worrying about the things I usually worry, I don’t make any plans, I avoid ruminating about past events. The only times my everyday life pops up in my mind is through reflection on how I can apply what I learn in the course or retreat to my life to have a positive change.

Because of the pandemic, I haven’t been able to meet my teacher in person for over two years now, and the possibility to take silent retreats has also been limited during this time. I try as much as I can to create space for myself to slow down and reflect in everyday life, but my mind is used to going at a certain pace when I’m at home. It is more difficult to ‘tame’ it here. This means that during the last six months, I have been feeling the need to take a break. It is not a break from anyone or anything else than my own mind, and I have been going around believing that I can only do it if I get out of the daily routine, preferably on my own.

Yesterday, I took our daughter to a meeting with the Norwegian Labor and Welfare Administration (NAV). My husband and I had decided to apply for an assistant that can be with her a few hours a week and take her to one of her after school activities or maybe that can support her if she wants to start going out with people her age. People with PWS usually have such assistants. Some of them start at a young age to release the load from parents, but we had never really felt we needed it. However, our daughter is a teenager now, and we considered it important to start now because she will most probably need an assistant as an adult too.

Right before the meeting, I noticed our daughter getting into a bad mood, and when I asked what was going on, she managed to express her discontent with our plan of getting her an assistant. Once at the NAV office, she was clearly frustrated, and was answering the person who wanted to meet her in short phrases without even looking at her. I tried as much as I could to stay quiet and let them talk since the purpose of the meeting was for my daughter to talk about herself, but as the meeting went on and she clearly expressed she didn’t want to have an assistant, I felt I had to chip in and explain that this was meant as a measure to give her more freedom. But it didn’t help.

Our daughter can be considered as high functioning despite her PWS diagnosis , and this can be a big burden for her because she is aware of her struggles and knows that she’s different. At this age, she’s struggling to accept that she has different needs than her peers, and she has – like many teenagers, I would argue – a slightly distorted idea of what she can achieve independently. Because of her condition, we cannot trust that she won’t seek food when she’s not with someone who knows her. She can also get stuck in situations when something unforeseen happens or when she misunderstands a person or a situation. She can also be quite passive. If no one suggests her something to do, she can sit for a long period of time doing nothing. Especially this last aspect of her condition is what affects me the most as a mum because whenever I prioritise to do something else than to get her engaged in some sort of activity, I feel I am letting her down. Also for all these reasons, we would like her to have an assistant. Unfortunately for her, she cannot see this, and it is difficult to talk about it without making her feel bad.

So, during the meeting, I sat, most of the time, feeling tired, helpless and frustrated because I know that if she refuses to have an assistant, she won’t get it. I felt incapable of dealing with the situation other than stay calm, be quiet and let the person from NAV talk. She decided to finish the meeting saying that if my daughter doesn’t want an assistant, she cannot be forced to have one.

Many thoughts were flying in my head, and I was mainly wondering if it is right to allow a person with special needs to decide something that most probably won’t benefit her. Especially when she’s only 13 years old. But at some point, I told myself what I tell myself with my other two children, she’s an individual and she will have to live her own life. Yes, she’s only 13, and certain things we can still decide for her like her diet, when she goes to bed, how much time she spends on her screens, etc, but certain things she just has to decide herself and live with it. I also realised that maybe she’s happy not doing anything from time to time. Maybe the only one having a problem with that is me.

For the last five minutes or so of the meeting, I told myself ‘allow’. I sat and heard my daughter talk with the woman from NAV, and didn’t intervene, didn’t resist, avoided having an opinion. I had a similar feeling than when at one of my retreats with Prasad. I gave my mind a break. I stopped the movie of the possible future catastrophes that could happen if my daughter doesn’t have an assistant, I stopped the self-pity of how tired I sometimes am of being a mum of a special needs teen, I just simply stopped, listened, observed and accepted.

Ever since that experience, I have been reflecting about how much I feel is my responsibility everywhere. I think that I am responsible for bringing up my kids according to our values, but I am not always responsible of their happiness and enjoyment. As they grow older, I am less responsible of what they choose to eat outside our home, what they think, what they do and do not do. I am not responsible for their choices. I am not responsible for their social interactions. I observe that as they grow older and contest more and more my views, resist my advice, choose to disobey our rules, I grow more and more worried.

I have to stop. My mind needs to stop. I need to allow more. If my youngest doesn’t like that we are concerned about the effect consumerism has on the environment and gets angry because I don’t want to buy her new clothes when she has a closet full, it is okay. She can be frustrated and show it, and I don’t need to do anything about it. If our son chooses to play on the computer instead of doing his homework even though we keep reminding him to do so, it is his choice and he will have to deal with the consequences. Even our daughter with special needs will have to make her own choices and we will have to allow for her to learn from them.

With this in mind, I decided that for the remaining of the Fall break, I will get into ‘retreat’ mood. I am going to give my mind a break. I am with my three kids this week while my husband has to work. We will enjoy. I will try to share my time between doing what they want to do and what I want to do, and give my mind a break. Whenever I start worrying, I will tell myself ‘allow’.

How many choices have I made in my life that weren’t optima?, and still, here I am. I don’t think I would be happier today if I had chosen differently back then. My life might have been different, but not happier. The most important is to have someone who can support you in the ups and downs in life. Someone who can help you reflect when you need it.