Tag: svadharma

Karma Yoga and the noise in my head

Published on by VanessaLeave a comment

I have written here before that the main reason why Yoga appealed to me was that instead of finding the answers to our mental struggles “out there” we are encouraged to look inside ourselves. This felt empowering and reassuring, however, little did I suspect that it would be a very hard journey. More often than not, just when I feel that I “get” something that I believe will help me modify those aspects of myself that limit me, I soon discover that my understanding is limited and needs refinement.

Since the Summer, with the changes I have been going through in my life, going back to studying the Gita and finding a great therapist, I have managed to come a little bit closer to some sort of clarity about my purpose for “working with myself” through the study and practice of Yoga. Why did I embark on this journey? What is my main priority? I have come to the conclusion that at this point in life, it is peace of mind. I am tired of the incessant “noise” my mind can make at most times.

This noise is mostly (if not always) linked to what I do and don’t do, and that is why, restudying some of the main aspects of Karma Yoga is helping me now better understand certain things that I want to share here.

Karma Yoga is the path of Yoga that is allegedly most suitable for most of us who live in the practical world because it is the path of action. Recently, during an online course I am taking about the Gita with my teacher, Prasad Ragnekar, he defined Karma Yoga like this:

“Karma Yoga [then] is a path of mental refinement for those like us who are deeply involved in
day to day, mundane living, who would like to sincerely lighten the load of our limitations”

According to the Gita, inaction is impossible for us regular human beings. Even when we are apparently inactive, our minds are all over the place. Either reviewing what we have done, regretting what we didn’t do, planning what we are going to do next, or even worse, worrying about the outcome of our next action. So, since we are bound to be active, why not be active with the “right attitude.”

I have written before about how, by putting all our attention on the intention behind our actions and letting go of the need to control the outcome, we can reduce the noise stress, and worry in our minds. It has been useful in my daily life, to a certain degree. If I say something with good intentions and it is perceived negatively, I can be at peace with myself. If I do something out of anger or frustration and the outcome is negative, I have to be honest with myself and take responsibility for it.

But there are two more concepts that suddenly made “click” in my mind a couple of weeks ago. The concepts of svabhava and svadharma.

Svadharma can be defined as one’s own unique duty/responsibility, while Svabhava is one’s own intrinsic nature, natural inclination, or aptitude based on psychological disposition (Prasad, 2023). Ideally, our svadharma should be aligned with our svabhava. This is relevant in everything we do, and it is natural to think of some of the aspects of everyday life that take a lot of our time, like for example, work. If I am a rather extrovert person who feels happier surrounded by people, I most probably wouldn’t thrive working in a place where I sit on my own most of the time isolated from others. Now, if the goal is to cultivate peace of mind, to reduce the “mental noise”, it is very important to always keep these two concepts in mind, especially when choosing a profession.

My therapist recently asked me when is it that my (over) thinking activity is reduced, and I could immediately answer when I teach Yoga asana. I always feel relaxed and centered after teaching a Yoga asana class. I think it is because I need to be fully present. I need to be aware of the energy in the room, the way my students are responding to the sequence I am offering, consider modifying some of it, and last but not least, how I lead the class, which includes which words I am using. I enjoy also the feeling of doing something that can benefit others. Not only by teaching a class, but also by maybe inspiring them to know their bodies better, respect their bodies, and take care of themselves. Interestingly enough, this doesn’t bring any anxiety.

Unfortunately, working in a school doesn’t bring this peace of mind… yet, but I am exploring ways to reach it. I am working on focusing more on what I do and how I do it than the system around me, having some values and principles that are nonnegotiable for me and sticking to them, and opening up for the possibility of being part of a discussion about them, of having to change the environment if necessary. I am also trying to make it a habit to use NVC (non-violent communication), especially in challenging situations so I can communicate my needs and understand the needs of others. In other words, to reduce self-doubt. I have been so afraid of being perceived as irrational or difficult, but I mean, there will always be someone who will disagree with me and who will think I’m “irrational”, so why do I invest so much energy in this idea? And what does it even mean?

At my new job, I teach different subjects than at my previous job. I have taught Spanish as a foreign language before, but that was a long time ago, and I have taught sewing as an elective, but never to more than ten students at a time. Now, suddenly, I’m an Arts and Crafts teacher, teaching up to 22 students at the same time. However, Spanish is my mother tongue, and although I am fluent in French, I am now noticing how “easy” it is to be spontaneous in Spanish and make the subject more “mine” since I am Mexican and can share my culture with my students. It is a bit of the svadharma and svabhava alignment.

But the “magic” happened today as I was teaching one of my classes in yr8 Arts and Crafts. We are upcycling an old men’s shirt into an apron, and we are sewing by hand. It is not a surprise that some students with poor executive skills have been struggling to get started, and it has been challenging to help them at the same time as I help those who are capable of getting started. Last week, I made myself a plan for this week’s lesson. I came into the classroom, and in small groups or in pairs, I got all the students who were falling behind started, at the same time as I helped the others when they needed further explanations. It really felt like I was in a flow. Things happened, as they always do, but I stayed calm and focused and communicated with all my students in a constructive way. An hour and a half passed, and almost everyone was now on track. I think I’ve found it! The svadharma and svabhava alignment as a school teacher. I like to “make” things, I enjoy being active, and I like also being in contact with my students in a relaxed setting. I use the challenges they meet while working on a project to help them reflect on what is important to develop in life: resilience, patience, discipline, problem problem-solving mindset, and maybe even more importantly, a growth mindset. Still, they are chatting, some of them are laughing, they can take breaks, and they go back to their work, and I don’t feel stressed.

I feel definitely less stressed now than when I was teaching more theoretical subjects, and when I was a contact teacher. I did enjoy both, but if my goal is to reduce the noise in my head, and I have the opportunity to choose, I think I know what I need to continue doing, at least for a while, and keep exploring these concepts. Also in the other areas of my life. I want to pay attention to what I do that doesn’t harmonize with my nature and see if I can stop doing it, or do it in another way, bring more of myself into it. Would that reduce even more noise in my head?

So, this post is an invitation to reflect on your own state of mind as you go about in your everyday life. What reduces the noise? Where do you feel that you flow? Can you combine your skills and your nature with what you do and how you do it? I really recommend you try!

What’s been on my mind lately

Published on by Vanessa1 Comment

Short version : a lot.

I notice my mind has been all over the place lately. Even at night, I catch myself thinking half asleep. I don’t know why. I guess it’s a phase, so I just partly asume but I am also working on noticing and letting go, when possible. If I wake up in the middle of the night and notice my thoughts, I start repeating a short mantra I have and it always helps me go back to sleep right away.

I have also been reflecting about all the things that affect my mood wondering how I can keep a more stable state of mind, and it all goes back to the idea of grounding myself in my intentions and letting go of the expectations. Which keeps being easier said than done. I am so used to do things with a certain attitude that changing patterns is taking time. But I keep trying, I keep reminding myself, and some days, I manage.

My dad used to call me the satellite dish when I was little, because I was able to notice everything. I guess, in a way it is an asset because I can read people quite fast. I can see when someone is distressed, or sad, or angry often before others notice. If I use this ‘skill’ properly, I can show understanding and compassion and even give a helping hand if necessary. The problem is that, this skill, combined with my need for validation and my fear for doing something ‘wrong’ can be emotionally tiring because I read other people’s emotions as a direct result of my actions. Leading me to feel bad conscience in some cases and being judgemental towards the ‘other’ in others. So, it all ends up being about ‘me’ and not about the situation or the person experiencing a certain emotion in my presence.

An example, I go into the classroom, with my lesson ready but I am received by tired and frustrated students. Some of them can at times be rude. My first reaction is often to become defensive. I want to go through the lesson, I want them to learn, but with that attitude, we won’t get anywhere. I get caught up in my emotion, and by the end of the lesson, I am exhausted because I spent the whole lesson fighting against my own frustration and disappointment to act as a ‘professional teacher’.

What can be done differently here? Change the focus. It is not about me wanting to teach them. It is about the whole experience of being in the classroom, seeing each and every one of them, and letting go of my judgement of their behaviour or the circumstances. It is about putting my whole heart in the situation and forget about my own insecurities.

Don’t misunderstand me, I do care about their learning, but ultimately, I can only come prepared to the classroom with a plan that aims to meet their individual needs but if their minds are elsewhere, if they are experiencing some sort of emotional distress (which is very common for their age), all I can do is meet them with curiosity, with openness and at the same time stand my ground by setting a clear framework for our interactions, without allowing myself to believe that their actions and reactions are in any way a validation or rejection of me as a teacher.

I am also experiencing this in other relationships. I am reminding myself to give space for others to be who they need to be without allowing it to affect my inner peace. I have been observing myself for a while now, and I know that most of the time, my reactions to other people are 99,9% a product of my inner world. So why would I believe that it is different for others? How others behave with me has little to do with me and more with their inner world. So, why judge? Why try to see who I am in the gaze of others? Here too, the key is to meet everyone with an open heart but stand my ground. Know my limits, and remember that we are all doing as good as we can out of our own perceptions and belief systems.

So, to summarise, during the last few weeks, I have noticed how much I still live ‘out there’, and how peaceful I feel when I move my focus to my intentions and my actions and let the reactions be what they need to be. Sometimes I wonder what is the purpose of my life. I wonder if I am living the life I am supposed to live or if I should be doing ‘more’ or ‘bigger’. Lately, I’ve been reminding myself that it is not the size of what we do but with what attitude we do it. How we make people feel. How often we manage to detach from the I in order to create a space for the we to be. Maybe that is my ambition in life for the moment. To be able to meet everyone with an open mind and an open heart and keep my mind at peace.

I did not sign up for this!

Published on by VanessaLeave a comment

Earlier this week, I stood in front of one of my classes ready to start the lesson when one of the students snapped loudly ‘What’s up with your outfit? You look like a flight attendant!’ Surprised by her remark, I stood there some seconds trying to figure out how this made me feel and what I should reply. I don’t really care if my students approve of how I dress or not, but I did feel uncomfortable with a student making such remarks. I decided to reply that I wasn’t sure how to take her remark, and moved my attention towards the rest of the class.

The same evening, as I walked home from work, my mind brought me back to this incident. My first thought was ‘I did not sign up for this when I became a teacher’, followed by ‘And what did you sign up for?’ ‘What did you expect?’ I realised that at some point in life, I have thought the same about most of the roles I play in life.

What do we expect when we choose a profession? What do we expect when we choose a partner? In a friendship? We don’t choose our family, but we do expect quite a lot from them, and our friends and even our neighbours.

Many of the choices we make in life, we make when we are quite young. I know that when I chose a career and a partner, I had very little understanding of who I was. I chose to have children because most of the people around me were having children and because it felt right, but I didn’t really reflect much on the implications, on why I wanted so badly to become a mum.

I don’t say that any of this is ‘wrong’, but as time has passed, I have sometimes been quite dissatisfied with certain aspects of my life and I believe it is because unreflected, almost unconscious expectations started to grow in my mind of how things should be. How I should feel, how people should make me feel, how things shouldn’t be.

One problem that I see with this is that when I go around with lack of clarity of what my role is and what the purpose of engaging in something is, the expectations I have tend to change almost with the wind surprising sometimes even myself. Furthermore, I am putting the responsibility of how I feel in the hands of other people or the circumstances.

I believe more and more that the less we expect from the external world, the more peaceful life we can live. This is easier said than done. Everyday, in many situations, I catch myself getting annoyed or frustrated because of an expectation I have that is not met. I am trying to learn to catch myself before I react in situations when some unspoken, unfounded, unrealistic expectation is not met, but its taking time to make it a habit.

Going back to my initial thought, what did I sign up for when I decided to be a teacher? I could write a long essay about this, but I will spare you. I can honestly say that I had a certain vision when I decided to become a teacher, and this vision has obviously changed with age and experience. What I keep forgetting, is that in that role and any role I play, all I can do is have a clear and pure intention in every action I take, do my best and learn from the rest. Every class is different and every student is different. Og I could choose, I would of course love to have classes where students are eager and focused and motivated so I can share my passion for learning. But students come with their own background, experiences, expectations and preconceptions. Every moment is an invitation for me to create a space between behaviours and my reaction. To grasp the moment and turn situations into a learning experience both for them and for me. Now that I am in this role, for whatever reason I chose it, I can’t go around blaming big classes, noisy students, little time, lack of motivation and whatnot for how I feel in the classroom. I have to show up clear about what I want to achieve, and that should be something for the benefit of my students. I am not there to ‘get’ anything from them.

This said, it is also my role, I think, to prepare them to life beyond school and patient teachers. I need to lead with the example, be assertive, firm and sometimes maybe even stern, but for their learning and not to fulfil some kind of need in me.

Life is not easy especially because of human interactions, I feel. We all go around living life through our minds believing that the way we see things is the right one. Things don’t always go as we expect them to go, people don’t always behave as we wished they would. We can of course talk and try to understand each other, find compromises, but it isn’t always easy. Therefore, I believe that the way to a more peaceful life is to always go inwards. Always ask myself ‘why do I think like this?’, ‘what can I do?’, ‘what do I really want?’, ‘can I give myself what I am seeking out there?’, ‘is it realistic or even fair to have this expectation?’. This kind of reflections are helping me a lot.

Less judgement, more magic

Published on by Vanessa1 Comment

My yoga teacher recently advised me to to take the process of preparing for and running my yoga classes as an opportunity to learn and develop. This, with the purpose of detaching from ‘ego’. He also advised not to be fixated with the idea that ‘I want to teach’.

This resonated with me, also when it comes to reducing stress. The process would then go like this: I get an idea, I plan a layout, I advertise, and I run my classes with a clear intention. The rest is out of my hands, and therefore, I don’t need to worry about it. If the idea works, if people sign up and get something out of my classes, I feel humbly happy, if not, I’ll try something different next time, or try again. I don’t know how this idea transferred into my ‘other job’ in a slightly different manner, but it is still helping me a lot this first days of the Fall semester.

Usually, the start of the school year is quite stressing for me (and for many other teachers, I guess). I have tried in the past to take it easy, but it has been as if my nervous system has a life of its own.

So, this year, I decided to take a different mental approach: 1) Prepare as well as I can in the circumstances I have (time, resources, space, etc) with the intention of receiving my students with awareness and respect. 2) Refrain from having a personal opinion on everything that happens in a school day. Unpredictable things happen, changes happen, mistakes happen, and they sometimes feel like obstacles in the course I had in mind when I planned my lessons, but the less time and energy I spend rejecting these obstacles and getting all emotional about them, the more present I can be to grasp the situation and turn it into a learning experience for my students and myself.

This is, in a way, one of the main principles of Karma Yoga. Do your thing without attaching to the action or the fruits of the action.

I saw the magic of this attitude happen today. Since we started with our new schedules today, one of my colleagues made a mistake, and sent her students into my classroom before our lesson was over. When she realised this, we agreed that it would take too much time for her students to move back to her classroom, so they could stay and continue working silently on a task she had prepared but had thought they didn’t have time to do before she sent them up to my classroom.

Instead of getting caught up in the frustration of having to deal with an unforeseen change, and feeding into the emotion with the whys and the hows of this mistake, I first tried to see if I could tweak my lesson plan. I was attaching to ‘my plan’. I gave my students ten minutes to revise some vocabulary, and while they did this, I realised how great the idea of my colleague was.

After my students were done revising, I decided to let them do the same reading activity their peers were doing, with some adjustments. The last 20 minutes of the lesson went smoothly. I walked around to see what my students were reading, ask and answer questions. Thanks to this little mistake, I have a new idea in my lesson repertoire. No stress. No attitude from me towards my colleague. I just allowed myself to go with the flow.

I don’t know what this school year will bring. Every year brings its challenges, and we also have the pandemic adding uncertainty to the whole equation. I only hope, I will remember the advise from my teacher. I hope I’ll remember to be present, be humble, learn, and continue flowing. When I let go of judgement, stress, and worry, magic happens.

Reflections during my sick leave

Published on by Vanessa2 Comments

A week ago, I woke up to start our day as ‘usual’ since the start of the lockdown. I turned in bed to get ready to get up, and to my big surprise, I became so dizzy that I just couldn’t sit up. Whenever I tried, I would feel so dizzy that I would get nauseous. What to do? Well, as with any other illness, stay in bed.

I spent two whole days in bed, unable to read, or do anything else than keep my eyes closed to avoid getting even more dizzy. Interestingly enough, I wasn’t sleeping that much, so I was awake, in bed, doing nothing. Since I practice Yoga, I thought this would be the ‘perfect’ opportunity to just be. Be with myself, with my thoughts and try to breathe through the whole thing. Some kind of forced silent retreat.

Halfway through the second day, my mind was driving me crazy, so much that I decided I couldn’t just lie down there, so I forced myself to get up, take a shower and try to ‘act normal’. My mind was driving me crazy because of two main reasons: recurrent painful thoughts and the feeling of being useless by just lying there without even having a feber.

My mind was going around and around thoughts of regret, loss, lack and worthlessness. Thoughts that I usually try to tame in my everyday life, but that I had to face when I had nothing to do. I keep noticing that I want to use yoga teachings to become someone else. Someone who doesn’t have these thoughts. Someone who doesn’t ‘need’ anything but unfortunately, given the chance, my mind keeps bringing me back to them. So, I decided to just allow, to allow my mind to go where it wants to go, to accept that this is how I really feel at times. Am I reasonable? Well, what is reasonable? Who gets to decide?

I am now able to sit up and move around, and do stuff almost as usual, but the dizziness keeps coming back so I am in a sick leave for a week. Once I just allowed these thoughts to be, they became less strong and I moved to another kind of thinking. Or is it reflecting? Life is slowly going back to normal here in Norway. Schools are reopening, some people are allowed to go back to work. This is, of course, great news, but I have some resistance to the idea of going ‘back to normal’. Although I think my life isn’t necessarily stressful, it is a busy life. The main activities that occupy my mind and my time are being a yoga student, my work as a teacher, being a mother, and trying to establish myself as a yoga teacher. I want to be good at everything I do and I keep feeling guilty about all other things I don’t do because I don’t have time/energy. For me, doing anything halfheartedly is mentally impossible, I need to put my 100% in everything I do and still, I go around with bad conscience for not doing better.

So, these days, I keep thinking about the importance of silence. Internal silence. According to many traditions, it is in silence that we finally hear our call. That we finally hear what we are here for. I find my three main activities in life very meaningful, but I keep doubting myself. I am tired of running from one thing to another and constantly feeling that I come too short.

There are certain things I feel I cannot let go of. I can’t leave my job because my salary is important for our family budget. I can’t stop being a mum, I don’t want to stop being a mum. Shall I stop teaching yoga? Am I pushing too much? Yoga for me is a personal journey and I started teaching because I want to share what I feel has helped me a lot in my life, but there are hundreds of yoga teachers out there. Does the world ‘need’ me as a yoga teacher? I don’t know.

I also notice that I ‘use’ yoga to put pressure on myself. This sounds very stupid, but I am very honest here. I ask myself? Am I making progress in my spiritual life? Do I need to study more? Am I applying these teachings appropriately? How much do I have to do and how much do I have to let in the hands of the Universe/God/Divine providence/ or whatever you want to call it?

I feel also that I am tired of being part of a system I don’t agree with. I am more and more concerned about the natural world. I feel more and more bad conscience about the way we are destroying it. How we feel entitled to do as we please. I want to be part of a solution and not continue being part of the problem, but to be honest, I have no clue on how or what to change other than the regular small things. I am reading a book by Satish Kumar called You Are Therefor I Am, it i so inspiring. If I could choose, I would take my family and my cat to a place where we can live a simpler life. A life where the important thing is to be in pact with nature and in pact with ourselves, and not to live according to the standards the capitalist society dictates. I keep thinking how important it is to find a passion, a call, but most of our kids are busy doing what we tell them is important to do, and when they have spare time, they are mentally and emotionally numb in front of their electric devices. ‘As long as they do well at school’, we repeat to ourselves. But really? Is that what will bring them peace? Is school giving children a sense of meaningfulness?

So, I am thinking that for the months to come. I will practice more silence. I will do less. I will put my heart in my daily chores. I will be more mindful. I will flow. All this with the hope that clarity will come to me. Where to go? What to do? What to change?