You might have noticed that I haven’t been writing much on my blog lately. This Spring, I noticed more than ever that my mind keeps going in circles, and it wasn’t a very nice feeling to begin with. I came to a point where I felt I was driving myself crazy with my thoughts. I felt that my way to approach challenges that kept coming back both at work and in my personal life was the same over and over again without helping me or the situation.

How can my “knowledge”in Yoga help me? I kept going back to the same principles, especially “non-attachment” (vairagya), but no matter how much I tried to let go of the feeling, I still felt frustrated, sad and even angry. What’s the use? I thought. Maybe Yoga is not for me. Maybe I’m not “spiritually mature enough” for this. What can “really” help? I asked myself. I felt so tired of my doubts, my struggles, and my seeming inability to help myself. I felt that I needed a more systematic approach to myself. Yoga has many good tools, but I felt I was unable to use them most of the time in a way that helped me “move forward”.

I wrote in a post earlier this Spring that I read Marshall Rosenberg’s book about non-violent communication. I did this prior to a meeting I was going to have with one of my leaders to try to formulate my thoughts in a constructive way because I have a tendency to get lost in my emotions with the unfortunate outcome of either saying things that I regret afterward or staying passive and accepting that my emotions are “wrong” to avoid making a big fuss. The principles in this book were a game-changer for me. It started the process of me accepting that my emotions are not “wrong”, and that I get so scared by them, that I put all my energy into trying to suppress them forgetting the most important thing to do which is to figure out why I am feeling like I do. Without judgment. What is the need behind the emotion, and how can I communicate it or what do I have to do in order to meet that need?

I had been using my understanding of the Yoga teachings to suppress myself, to judge my emotions, my needs, and my thoughts. In my quest to be a “good” person, I have been using Yoga to put more pressure on myself. We tend to think that people that have a big ego are selfish and self-absorbed and that people with a big ego do things that harm others, I believe that having a big ego can also harm yourself. My ego is built in the idea of being good to everyone, of making everyone feel well, of not creating problems for others, and of being perceived as helpful, compassionate, kind, and a problem solver. The problem is that I am human. I am limited. I have needs and wishes, and no matter how much I try to suppress them, they often resurface in shapes that I don’t like such as frustration, anger, and sadness. The more I try to push away these feelings, the less I see my needs and wishes, the more confused I become, and the more mixed messages I send. And this keeps repeating itself. So the idea I want to build of myself, even though it is in theory “better” than being what I see as a selfish person, is not helping me and is not helping anyone around me.

Knowing this, and observing other people I know that could be described as “spiritual,” I can’t help but ask myself if not this idea of spirituality attracts people that tend to put too much pressure on themselves. Are we misunderstanding spirituality? What is spirituality, really?

Yoga tells us that we are all at the core the same. We are love, freedom, and bliss. This is a beautiful idea, but I think that my limited understanding of love, freedom, and bliss represents another layer that stops me from seeing precisely this purity in me. The more I fight against myself, trying to be this ideal person, the less I can see who I really am.

I am no better or worse than anyone else. I don’t deserve more or less, but I do owe myself to listen with compassion. Why do I put my needs under others? Why do I keep believing that I am wrong?

I don’t think I am rejecting Yoga and its teachings, but I am doubting my understanding and the way I have been applying some of it in my life. I wonder what the purpose of it all is. I feel confused, and I think this is a good thing. I think I need to think less and live more. I think I need to take myself more seriously at the same time that I need to let go of the overwhelming spin of my thoughts. I think I need to listen more carefully to what my heart is trying to tell me.

One thing that I keep going back to is silence. I need more silence. Not more principles. No more techniques. Just the courage to be still and listen to me and take it from there.

No conclusions, and no resolutions, just keep walking but with less judgment towards myself, more self-compassion, and a willingness to meet my own needs.